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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: RASH (04/12/18)
Cody was on a routine business meeting with a client at a local restaurant. During the meeting, Cody could tell that things were not going in his favor and he was getting a little panicky. He couldn't lose this deal; this was his shot at making it to the executive level in the company.



After hearing Cody's business proposal, the clients took a few minutes to discuss it. After what seemed like an eternity to Cody, the clients responded, “We appreciate your time and effort on this proposal, but we are going to have to decline.”



It was as if a concussion grenade had gone off, all sound disappeared from his ears. He could feel his stomach starting to churn; he thought he might throw up.



“Excuse me, sir?” A waiter asked.



Snapping back to reality, he looked around to find he was the only person at the table. His clients had gotten up and left while he was sitting in shock. He thought his life was over; there would never be another chance for him to make it.



As he's walking out of the restaurant he sees someone walking up to him calling his name. At first, he didn't know this person, as he got closer he thought he recognized him from somewhere.



“Cody!” he heard this guy yelling his name. “Hey man, how's it going?” The blank stare on his face must have given it away.



“You don't remember me do you?” Trying to stop staring at him, Cody was racking his brain to try and figure out who this person was. “It’s me, Mike from high school. Been a long time man.” Cody vaguely remembered a Mike from high school but he wasn’t sure if this was the same guy. But he gave him the benefit of the doubt and went along like he remembered whom he was.



The two of them went to a nearby diner and over a couple cups of coffee began reminiscing about the good old days of high school. The more they talked, the more Cody was convinced that he knew this guy from high school.



After about an hour of talking, Mike brought his line of work into the conversation. He said that he had this great opportunity to make a lot of money but was looking for an investor to help get the whole thing started. Still reeling from the lost business opportunity from earlier in the day, Cody started thinking that maybe this could replace the earlier chance he had to boost his business status. So before Mike was even done explaining the whole business deal, Cody jumped in with “I’m in! What do you need from me?”



After writing out a big check to Mike for this new business deal, Cody left the diner extremely excited about what’s to come. He almost couldn’t contain his excitement; he thought for sure that this deal was the one that was going to boost him in the new executive position. Going to bed, he wasn’t sure if he was going to sleep at all.



The next morning, still pumped about his new business deal and how his life was going to change for the better. He flipped on the TV to check out the business news like he did every morning before heading into the office.



Right there on the screen was a little picture of Mike to the right of the news anchor. The story was about a con man that pretended to be an old high school friend and then would swindle thousands of dollars from people.



Cody felt his stomach churn again; he couldn’t believe that this happened. He called his mom because he couldn’t think of anything else to do.



“Mom, you know that guys they had on the news that swindled money from people pretending to be an old friend? Yeah, I was one of those people.” Cody broke down crying on the phone, not sure what else to do. “I didn’t listen to what he was saying about this business deal he had. I just jumped at the chance to redeem myself from earlier that day.”



“Son, quick decisions like that can lead to the wrong outcome. Remember what the bible says, be patient about everything, trust in the Lord and he will guide your way. We all make mistakes, the key is learning from those mistakes and grow in our faith to not make those mistakes again.”



This is a work of fiction.
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This article has been read 651 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Linda Lawrence 
04/19/18
Fiction, I realize, but true!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
04/21/18
You did a nice job of setting up the scene. You have a couple of great conflicts to pull the reader in. I might suggest you start a bit sooner with introducing the conflict. Your first line is a passive one, but with just a little tweaking you could make it active. For example: Cody's heart hammered. He forced himself to focus on the client who sat across the table; Mr. Brown didn't seem to have any problems shoveling his lunch into his face. Cody, on the other hand, feared his hamburger might not stay down.
I know I took a lot of liberties, but sometimes it's easier to understand an example than just the words show, don't tell. Instead of saying he felt panic, you can show what that uneasy feeling looks like. I also noticed at first it was one client, but next it was plural. That's just a tiny thing though. I also noticed you switched from past tense to a few lines of present tense and back again.

By the time, he was writing the check, I was almost screaming No! That's because you did such a nice job of developing your character. I didn't want to see anything bad happen to him. Even though the ending was a bit predictable, I still enjoyed reading it. I was hoping my hunch would be wrong. It's not easy to create a character that the reader can click with in under 750 words. So great job on that. The verse was a perfect fit for the situation. You did a fine job.
Larry Whittington
04/23/18
Yes, learning from experience can come quickly but it lasts a long time.

Good example of the word for the week.

Don't let hiccups. Spoil a day of writing.
Raymond Bouchoc
04/24/18
I liked Cody and felt bad everything went wrong for him. I think there are some grammatical issues, but aside from that, the story moves along. I found myself carried through the story without wandering to other things while reading it. It had a good pace, and flowed onward from beginning to end.
Dennis Gallemore
04/26/18
Sad, but all too true.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
04/28/18
Congratulations on ranking 5th in your level! Happy Dance!