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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Home (01/09/06)
Roger walked by the shiny grey bullet train to find the ticket window. Roger had a light brown coat on and was carrying in his hand one medium suitcase. Roger saw the ticket window a little ways down on the left and Roger quickly walked toward it.

Roger walked up to the ticket window that simply said ' Going Home'. Roger took out some cash he had in his left pants pocket and stepped up to the window.

A gray haired man wearing a shiny blue uniform was sitting behind the glass barrier between them. " May I help you" the ticket clerk said with a smile.

" Yes" Roger said as he put some money on the window edge " I would like a one way ticket to go home.

" Here you go" said the ticket clerk as he handed Roger a ticket and handed his money back " have a safe trip home".

Roger took a look at the ticket as he started walking toward the train " wait a minute". Roger showed the ticket to the clerk " It says free passage on it".

" That's right, on this train the passage is free no charge" said the ticket clerk as he handed the ticket back to Roger.

" Thank You" Roger said as he stepped on the landing to get on the shiny grey bullet train. Roger smiled because he was going home and the passage is free.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Jan Ackerson
01/16/05
A very nice lesson! Try using "he" instead of "Roger" in some sentences. I'm glad I have my free ticket!
donna robinson
01/20/06
i agree, lose the name and use the pronoun. Still, i could see him thinking he had saved his money so he could finally go home and then finding out the passage was already paid. Nice story
Andria Cook
01/23/06
I had a few concerns with this piece.

Why if the ticketing agent handed him his money back did he walk away before realizing it was free?

The moral of the story was good, but work on the depth of your story to really capture the reader's attention and put them in the situation.