The Official Writing Challenge
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Very creative. You need to do some work with your punctuation in dialogue though. I wasn't sure where you were going with it but thought that it was descriptive and someone knows words I never memorized! thanks!:)
As a reader, I'm finding myself thankful for :)

Good job on this piece. I like the idea. Try reading your dialogue out loud to ensure that it flows with ease to the reader.

Also, try mixing more narration and description in between blocks of dialogue to help the reader feel more enlightened and involved.
I thought this was very creative and with a little editing could be a great children's book! Good job!