Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: OVERLOAD (10/06/16)
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TITLE: A Perfect Day | Previous Challenge Entry
By Pamela Hill
10/12/16 -
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Quietly rushing through her shower, hair and makeup, Mandy smiled thinking, today might be the day. She’d set her alarm thirty minutes early planning to be fully ready and dressed before Max got up. But as she tiptoed from the bathroom she was greeted by her little bundle of energy.
“Hi Mommy, I made you seerul!” He proudly offered her a bowl with a heaping mound of cereal and milk not quite to the brim. The milk that wasn’t in the bowl was dripping down the front of Max’s pajamas.
Oh, how she missed her “morning person” husband, who had always been up and ready for their “morning person” son.
Following the trail of cereal back to the kitchen, Mandy reminded Max, “Honey, remember where Mommy told you is the best place for eating?”
“I member Mommy, but you weren’t there.”
“OK Max, let’s eat breakfast, then we’ll get you dressed for your first day of school.” Mandy calculated that after she got Max ready and put in his favorite truck video, she would have time to clean up Max’s “surprise” breakfast mess and get dressed. Then, after taking him to school, she‘d get to the diner with time for one last edit of her homework assignment before her shift started.
After a quick sponge bath, Max, dressed in his first-day attire looked so cute. How could he possibly be old enough to start school already? Hadn’t she and Mike brought him home from the hospital only a short time ago? I wish you could be here to see him, Sweetheart, she thought. Shaking her head, she remembered their tight schedule. No time to get all weepy.
Sitting Max on the sofa and popping in the video she told him, “Mommy is going to get ready while you watch Tommy Terrific.”
Running up the stairs she shed her robe and pulled open the closet door.
Once dressed, she realized there was just enough time to clean up the kitchen before they would have to dash.
Quickly heading toward the mess, Mandy, glancing into the living room didn’t see Max. The video was still playing but he was nowhere. “Max, where are you?” she cried, slightly panicked.
Seeing movement out the back window her heart was relieved to see her little towhead jumping around on the patio. She called him in and her relieved heart sank. Max was covered from head to toe with mud. He’d been playing with a muddy little stray puppy that had found its way into their backyard.
Max ran into her arms and beaming up at her asked, “Mommy, can I have a puppy?”
Max saw a puppy. Mandy saw vet bills, feeding, walking, training and mud. Lots of mud.
On to Plan B: puppy in garage; Max in tub; Max dressed; change uniform; assignment sent in as is (or, as was at 1:00 am when she fell asleep); drop Max at school, then on to work. The kitchen would wait until tonight.
With Max in the bathtub, she started singing the scrub-a-dub-dub song that always made him laugh. But instead, he began to cry big crocodile tears.
“What’s wrong honey?”
“I want Daddy to come home Mommy.”
Wrapping Max in a giant towel she held him tight against her muddy work uniform. Then she carried him to her bedroom where they rocked and cried together until they were all cried out.
“Max, let’s pray together for Daddy.”
Three phone calls later Mandy had graciously been given an extension on handing in her homework assignment, got Robin to take her shift at the diner, and verified that the puppy came from their neighbor down the street. And yes, they could keep it.
Then Mandy asked, “Know what I think Max?”
“What Mommy?”
“I think tomorrow is a perfect day for the first day of school. So we’re going to get cleaned up, you, me and puppy, and then we’re going to have a pajama day.
Max giggled and said, “Puppy will look funny in pajamas Mommy.”
Mandy smiled and told him, “We’ll Skype Daddy later and see what he thinks is a good puppy name.”
A salute to all those carrying the full load while loved ones serve their Country.
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I'm not sure crocodile tears was the phrase you needed, as it usually refers to the tears being used as a deliberate, phony act to gain sympathy.
Even so, your characters and tale were warm and realistic.
(Speaking of melting hearts, I'd urge you to stay away from clichés like: today started like every other, bundle of energy, morning person, heart sank, crocodile tears. Occasionally clichés can have a great impact, but you are an artist, and I think you could paint a splendid picture with original words.)
For example your opening could be something like this: Groaning, Mandy pried open her gooey eyes and squinted at the clock. As she burrowed under the covers, Temptation whispered in her ear. Five more minutes. Hit the snooze button. You deserve some quiet time.
That's also a quick example of showing instead of telling.
Another example would be with this line: "Max, where are you?” she cried, slightly panicked. What does her panic look like? Different people express fear in many ways. By showing how your MC reacts, you'll add more depth to the MC. For example, I might do something like this: Slapping her hands against her head, Mandy licked her lips while her eyes scanned the house. "Max! Where are you?" Mandy's knees buckled, and she crumpled to the floor.
Little things like that not only heighten the suspense, but they pull the reader deeper into the story.
Don't get me wrong. I think you did a spectacular job. I could see this in a magazine for families of those who serve their country. If you wanted to tweak it and tell it from Max's POV, I think it would make a great picture book or again a magazine geared to those families. It's a strong story and reminds me not to just thank and pray for those serving my country, but for the many sacrifices the families make too, in order to ensure my family stays safe. Since I sense this might have some truth to it: Thank you for your sacrifice. I also said a prayer for the men and women fighting on the lines and guarding the borders and for their precious families who give up more than I can imagine. God bless. Thank you for this grand story.
It says it all.
The milk spilling over the cereal bowl made me empathize with the mother who had her hands full.
I liked your twist at the end. The father was in the military serving his country.