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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: ARTIFICIAL (08/11/16)
The endless nights of drowning in drinks and thoughtless music kept her pain at bay. In the middle of a night club is where she found acceptance, next to a stranger in bed is where she found love. Running through life, always trying to be one step ahead of reality. A cure for her broken heart, she just couldn’t find. She looked for answers within in false love, false hope, and false relationships. Knowing guys in every town and every city, she could still not find her true love.

The emptiness within her, the darkness feasting away on sanity and soul could not be filled. Money, accessories, she had it all, and still the void was left open and hall. Nothing the world could offer her could bring back what has been taken from her, for every remedy she tried was artificial, she just couldn’t find the real deal.

On a Tuesday night, the stars where her compass as she drove around seeking a place where she could belong. One wrong left turn sent her down an unfamiliar path. Lost and alone she kept driving, auto-piloting through life. Too proud to ask for help she was left with an empty car and no gas station to be seen.

As she walked down the street, it was late and dark. The houses were locked and the windows were shut. All hope wasn’t lost as she saw a light. Down the road, on the corner there it was a church. Trembling she approached. The door swung open and an elderly man invited her in. Confused and terrified she went in, escaping the cold was all that was on her mind.

A warm cup of tea and an old wool blanket was offered. The two sat down in the middle row. As she enjoyed her tea, her eyes examined every square inch. Not knowing this place she began to ask, knowing this place he began to answer. He told her about Jesus the mighty son of God, her eyes grew big as her attention was captured.

Bit by bit the emptiness began to fill, bit by bit the sorrow began to subside. The more she heard about this man called Jesus the more love she felt. Before the night came to an end the man went to his knees and said a prayer to her. Tears were set free as she fell to her knees next to the man, without planning she yelled, “ Jesus to you my heart I give.” For the first time, she belonged, for the first time she knew what was the real remedy to a broken heart.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/25/16
This is a powerful piece. Your opening conflict drew me right in. I have a feeling more people than we can imagine can relate to your MC.

You did more telling than showing. If you added dialog, body language, and thoughts, you would switch from telling to painting an incredible picture for the reader. I noticed you used some passive sentences instead of active ones. That's another great way to do more showing. For example: She searched for acceptance in night clubs; she thought she found love spooning a stranger in bed. Running through life, always trying to be one step ahead of reality couldn't cure her broken heart. Covering her face to hide the unwanted tears, she considered her predicament. What's wrong with me? Why can others find happiness while I feel all alone and empty?
Another thing I noticed was you had quite a few run-on sentences. That's super easy to fix. Instead of using a comma. to separate two independent clauses, use a semicolon (like I did after clubs).

Other than those easy to fix spots, you really have a great story. You definitely nailed the topic. It felt real, and the ending, which often many struggle with, resolved the conflict and left me feeling hopeful and content. Keep at it; you definitely have some amazing talent.