Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SOCIAL (04/07/16)
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TITLE: Picnic In The Park | Previous Challenge Entry
By Don Buschert
04/12/16 -
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"Can I join you," she said, planting herself down at their table, not waiting for permission. "It's so hot and you've got the shade!"
"Carol, have you met Razma?" asked Tianna.
"No," Carol replied with a big smile. "Hi, I'm Carol," she reached across the table and shook the woman's hand. She was beautiful, with long dark hair and these wonderful, sparkling brown eyes. She had a long scar down her left cheek, running from below her eye to her jaw. How unfortunate thought Carol. She wanted to stare, yet those magnificent eyes beckoned away her curiosity.
"Razma gave her heart to Jesus in the service today," said Tianna. "Isn't that amazing!"
For a moment Carol was speechless. She sucked a breath in and slowly exhaled. "I knew there was something different about you Razma!"
Razma beamed. "Thank you, you're all so kind."
"You speak with an American accent," said Carol.
"Razma is originally from Iran. She's emigrated here. Did you know she was on the island with Mark?" Tianna let that sink in before continuing. "Razma was telling me about her past, growing up in a strict Shia family." Tianna then glanced back at Razma, watching her body language, carefully judging if it was safe to divulge their earlier conversation. Razma put them both at ease with a warm smile.
Tianna continued proudly, "She has an amazing story!"
"- Mark? That Mark?" interrupted Carol, pointing over to a handsomely chiseled, tanned blonde man conferring with a group of men under a nearby tree. "Oh, so you're THAT woman! I know who you are now" said Carol, with a glut of satisfaction.
Now that Carol spotted Mark, Razma wouldn't let him out of sight, keeping him in the corner of her eye. She tried listening gratuitously to Carol and Tianna's needless chatter, the two unwittingly left her outside the conversation. It didn’t matter, her mind was restless. What will happen now? I have such a strange peace inside me. And my feelings for Mark – have I fallen for him? Would he have me; a scarred, empty widow?
Mark made his way over to their table. Alone. Tianna saw him, and quickly nudged Carol.
"Well, I need to run, time to start packing up. Great to meet you Razma," said Carol scrambling to her feet.
"Me too," said Tianna, getting Carol’s hint. The two women scurried off together, leaving Razma and Mark alone. Razma's heart accelerated.
"How are you doing?" he asked, his deep blue eyes studying her.
"Very good. Thanks for bringing me to church today. These women are kind. I was worried no one would talk to me, being a foreigner."
Mark sat down beside her, resting his back against the picnic table's rough edge. He stared at the ground.
"Everything makes sense now Mark. Just like you said it would. I feel new inside."
"Your face is glowing Razma." said Mark with a chuckle.
He wanted to tell her how beautiful she was. He wanted to tell her how proud he was of her decision to finally follow Jesus. Heart pounding, he wanted to take her soft, supple hands and tell her how much he loved her. But was this right? Was this God's plan - drawing the two of them together like this? Surviving on the island, then going their separate ways after the rescue, then reuniting again - in Sydney of all places! What are the odds of that happening? It had to be God. And now his heart was all tied up in knots.
"What are you thinking?" prodded Razma giving him a playful poke in the ribs. Mark squirmed in reaction. He loved the soothing sound of her voice. Church people were leaving; the Sunday afternoon was growing late.
"Would you like to go for a walk?" he asked.
Razma turned around on the bench and stretched out her legs next to Mark. His scent melted her heart, yet she felt safe with him, unlike any man she'd known, not even her own father. All of the past hurts were fading away. Her father's unrealistic expectations. Her uncle touching her. Her dead husband's constant abuse. It didn't matter anymore. There really was a God, who loved her. She was transforming, becoming a new person, just like Mark. She slowly, yet confidently, put her arm in his.
"Yes. I'd like that."
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However, some of the dialogue was unnecessary. For example, *How are you doing?" or *Very good. Thanks." This does very little to move the story forward. Also watch out for using too many exclamation points.
I see so much potential. Keep writing.
Blessings~
I noticed a few things that could make your story even stronger. In the beginning, you could do more showing instead of telling. For example:
As the sweat dripped down Carol's face, she spotted Tianna fanning herself in the shade.
"Can I join you?" Without waiting for an answer, Carol planted herself down. "It's so hot, and you've got the shade!"
Instead of telling it was hot, I tried to show it. I also added a question mark and got rid of the tagine (she said) to tighten it up some.
I noticed some inconsistencies too like Carol hadn't met Razma, but then mentioned she noticed a change in her. Another one was Tianna nudging Carol, but then you said Tianna followed Carol's hint. Even though Carol got up first, in my mind, the nudging was the first hint.
You also have some POV shifts. It's a hard concept to understand, but you showed the thoughts of three different characters. Usually, especially in a piece this size, you have a MC and the reader can only see, hear, or know what the MC sees hears or knows. I struggled with this for quite a while myself. On the forums in Jan's Writing Basics, Jan just did a lesson called head hopping that might help you better understand it.
I know it might feel like I've been overly critical, and I don't want you to feel discouraged because I believe you have a lot of potential. You've done a nice job of developing your characters, especially in such a limited word count. I have a real sense of their personalities. I like the conflict and the territorial feel. It made me eager to keep reading. Your dialog felt realistic for the most part and also moved the story forward.
I also liked the ending. I could feel the passion. I think you tried to pack too much into 750 words. I did that repeatedly at first too. Instead, it would be even stronger if you focused on just one thing like being nervous about Mark. You explain a lot in that last paragraph, but each explanation could make a great story in itself. I can feel your passion for writing and sense God has some huge plans in store for you. You definitely have been bitten by the story bug. I can't wait to read more of your work. Don't get discouraged, but keep writing and reading and commenting on other challenge entries. You will blossom into something more spectacular than you can imagine. I feel this strongly. Good job.