Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SMEAR (03/10/16)
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TITLE: Out On The Range | Previous Challenge Entry
By AnnMarie Givans
03/17/16 -
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David’s blood boiled and his face turned bright red. He grimaced, gritted his teeth and growled, “Don’t call me Davey-boy. MY NAME IS DAVID! My animals might be smelly but they are my friends, they don’t make fun of me.”
He turned and walked away.
His brothers continued to snicker. David ignored them. He packed his lunch, and then he rushed enthusiastically out the door and shouted, “Bye guys, see you later.”
David was a true country boy; he loved being out on the range. He was the youngest of eight children, small in frame, and good-looking with dreamy blue eyes. The girls went gaga over him. He was loving, charming, easygoing, and wise beyond his years. He had a hidden strength that served him well.
His job was to care for the animals and he had a special knack for it. He often came home smeared with mud after wrestling with his furry friends. It didn’t bother him in the least that he smelled like the animals. He took great pride in knowing that they were safe and well taken care of.
David enjoyed what he did. Being a herdsman was in his blood. He loved the smell of the land, clean air, and rich soil. To David, there was nothing more exhilarating than being out in the wide-open range, surrounded by the beauty of the universe. He found it freeing, peaceful, satisfying and rewarding; it was heaven on earth. The day sky was hypnotic. It displayed a brilliant shade of blue, overlaid with puffs of cloud that stirred his imagination.
The nights were tranquil, giving rise to a spectacular sunset. It displayed an array of rich, blazing colors: pink, red that faded into orange and a piercing golden yellow. The majesty of the sunset would often fill David’s mind with beautiful dreams as he played the most beautiful melodies on his harp.
After the sunset faded, the night would blacken, and the moonlight would glow; as the billions of stars in the heaven glittered and sparkled. David would quietly curl up under the tree, pull his blanket up around his neck, and drift off to sleep alongside his animals. David enjoyed watching the sun, moon, and stars; they were a source of companionship, God’s greatest natural phenomena, and a reminder of God’s power.
It was with this power that David was endued, after being smeared with God’s holy anointing oil. He was strong in faith, courageous and fearless. With the Lord’s help, David quickly mastered the art of self-defense; it helped him to keep his animals safe from the ferocious beasts that roamed the range.
Entrenched in the power of God, David embarked on a mission to destroy the town’s nemesis: “Goliath.” This gigantic beast of a man terrorized the land, intimidated the armed force, and killed people at random. No one had the chutzpah to go against him.
David’s brothers mocked him as he stepped up to do battle. No one understood David’s logic to use an unconventional method— slingshot instead of spears and swords—to fight against this massive beast.
David got up close and personal, stood firm and vehemently shouted, “Hey, you up there.”
Goliath looked down.
“Ummmm… you talking to me, shrimp?”
“Yeah, you.” Warning! I have come in the name of the Lord to take you out. “I am going to kill you and afterward, use your sword to chop off your big stupid head.”
“Ah-AhAhhhhhhhhh,” Goliath jeered.
David stepped back, swung his slingshot with force and fired away. The stone swirled with precision through the air, landing in the center of Goliath’s forehead. The great indestructible beast came crashing down like bowling pins…strike… you’re out! It was epic. David lived, Philippians 4:13 “I can do all thing through Christ Jesus…”
The smearing of David with consecrated oil ushered in the presence of the Holy Spirit; the supernatural power of God, gave David the strength to do what no other could.
The story was based on David and Goliath, 1 Samuel 17
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In the middle, you slipped into more telling than showing. Some of the sentences needed some tightening to keep up with the pacing you had set up. Instead of telling that David enjoyed his duties, show it. For example, you could do something like this: Smiling, David spread out his arms and inhaled, savoring the smell of wildflowers mixed with sheep manure. Spinning around, he felt exhilarated by the wide-open range.
That's just a quick example to show you what I mean. Also, don't be afraid to mix up your sentence structures some, so that your words allow the reader to feel the hills and valleys too. I liked your dialog. You did a nice job of pacing the story. The ending picked up again, and you kept my attention right to the very end. Nice job.
I liked how you told the story of David and Goliath in a different way.
Blessings~