Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SMEAR (03/10/16)
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TITLE: sorry, but it's too late | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ruth shiemi
03/16/16 -
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The church service had started off very well just like any other Sunday service. Being an Easter Sunday, everything looked usual except a few people were missing, which was expected anyway; a few people skipped services whenever it rained in the morning. The choir had prepared special songs to commemorate Easter. Just before the service leader got to the podium to give that week's announcements, police got into the church obviously interrupting the service.
Unaware of what was happening everyone sat startled, not knowing whether to stay or to leave. Before long the police issued a warrant for arrest to the lead pastor; Pastor Mclawrence. Mclawrence was facing rape allegations from one of the congregants teenage daughter. The entire church could not believe their pastor could have possibly done that since Mclawrence had all the qualities anyone would be looking for in a pastor. The service ended there. The following week sadness hovered all over the town with Mclawrence all over the local dailies. The members did not know what to believe and what not to.
Friday that week the pastor was declared innocent. There was jubilation in Westgate Baptist church, sadly some members had left the church discouraged, never to come back again. The harm was already done.
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There are several punctuation problems with this piece, and a couple of missing articles.
Most writers struggle with the concept, show, don't tell. This is one piece where you could have really spiced it up with showing. For example, I might encourage you to try something like this: As the choir belted out songs to commemorate Easter, the service leader strode up to the podium. Suddenly, a crash echoed in the sanctuary, making the leader jump and drop his paper listing the week's announcements. Gasps and screams added to the chaos. A police officer marched in, gun drawn, and shouted, "Police, don't move!" The congregation stared, slack-jawed as the officer yanked out his handcuffs. Shoving the pastor to the floor, he said, "Joseph McLawrence, you're under arrest for rape."
Since you had quite a bit of words available for the 750 word limit, details like this would increase the suspense even more. You've got a great story idea and message. I just wanted more, to feel like I was right there watching it unfold. I'd urge you to read and comment on other stories in all levels. You also might want to check out Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards. You've got a lot of potential and I truly believe God will use your words in ways you can't even begin to imagine. I can tell you have a passion for spreading God's message. Good job.
It w would have made the story even more interesting to find out what was the reasoning for the police arrest.
It sad that the preacher would probably lose most of his congregation.
Keep on writing.