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Topic: MAIL (02/18/16)
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TITLE: ...Nor Gloom of Night... | Previous Challenge Entry
By Wendy Godwin
02/24/16 -
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My clothes felt like they were glued to me on this humid Wednesday night. I whizzed my old Dodge Dart into the dirt parking lot space. Squinting my tired eyes, I checked the clock on the dash again. Five minutes, we had only five minutes. Hurrying into the small church foyer I carried 18 month old Alisa on my hip and quietly instructed her two older sisters, Amanda and Ashley, to “Knock the dirt off of your shoes by the door.” They did the best they could and I tried to be patient as I waited. I was still in my postal uniform and really just wanted to be home. But, for some reason I was compelled to come visit tonight. So we had made a quick trip through the drive thru for supper after I scooped the girls up from daycare. “Okay, good job.” I whispered as each of the girls looked up. “Now let’s go find a seat.”
“Just come once and give it a try.” The older gentleman who lived in the corner house had urged kindly as I handed him his mail earlier that week. In my hurry I only half-listened as he gave more details about his church. He handed me a corner of envelope he had torn off and on which he had quickly written the address. I took it and sped away with a quiet “Thank you.” I knew that I needed to find a good church for the girl’s sake. I would try it for them, I decided.
We situated ourselves on the narrow pew just as the pastor started to deliver his sermon. I could sit back now and quietly evaluate my surroundings. I had grown up attending church but had never set foot in a church like this. It was in the middle of a bad neighborhood, for one, and I soon learned the beloved pastor was an ex-drug addict. Now, other thoughts raced through my head. Why did I come on a Wednesday night instead of Sunday? Well, maybe this will just be a quick prayer meeting. Wait, is he really going to preach? Tonight?? From that first sermon I heard from Pastor Steven, I was hooked.
The honesty in that pastor’s words was confirmed by unpretentious faces all around me. This overwhelmed me. I began to know right then, down deep in my heart, that this is where I belonged. This was where I would be welcomed, work clothes and all. Where my youngest would run screaming down the aisle, in the middle of Bible Study, only to be scooped up into the pastor’s arms and held while he finished teaching the class. This was also where I would meet my husband, Daniel. Where we would be allowed to serve together for several years and have the privilege of seeing several drug addicts turn their lives over to Christ.
* * *
The girls and I packed and headed off for our new life. I would start my job at the Post Office on Monday. I was afraid, but I was ready. That letter I had received two weeks earlier held promise. Little did I realize then how much things would change. My Lord would take the scattered pieces of my life and expertly sort them to show me who the real Deliverer is.
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You did a great job in the beginning. You might want to break it into slightly smaller paragraphs. I love the line: I was scared to death. Normally, I might suggest to show what that looks like or try to avoid clichés, but in this case, I think it was perfect ending to the frenzied pace of the first section.
It was a tiny bit confusing when you suddenly started talking about the couple inviting you to church. You could fix this with something like: Trying to corral the girls and keep them quiet exhausted me. Whatever made me think I could handle this? Suddenly the image of the older couple on my mail route flashed into my head...
Just a tiny transition like that will let the reader know you're flashing back. It's a great take and centers on the topic even more.
I don't think you needed the last paragraph. It was like a flashback inside of a fast forward. Instead perhaps go home from church and tuck the letter in your Bible and say something like: Thanks, God. I'm not sure what they are, but I have a feeling you have plans for me here, great wonderful plans.
That would also eliminate the fast forward into finding your husband etc,. Instead, you'd be ending the story with hope and faith. Those are awesome qualities.
You truly have a gift. I hope you don't get discouraged. You remind me a bit of me. I wanted to tell my whole story in 750 words. I used to cut 2,000 words each week, but the more I entered, and the more I read and left feedback on others (actually that helped me most of all), I found myself blossoming into what God had envisioned for me. I've been so blessed. I have a feeling you have great things waiting you. Keep at it, get the feedback reports, and keep writing. You have talent, and God has great plans for you!