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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Vines (11/21/05)
Almost carelessly I floated today through the troubles that work brought. The stressful demands of the day seemed heavy but bearable. As I moved about the office solid, strong, almost floating, my steps so carefully measured. It’s tough at times being the leader of the home, the breadwinner as they say. Wearing this multitude of hats, why if they were real, what a suitcase I would need. Each hat representing who I need to be, moment by moment it seems sometimes I change as much as a famous well known run- way model. Boss, husband, entrepreneur, lover, banker, negotiator, friend, philosopher, confidant, agent and daddy. The hats are numerous. It seems I never think about it much, it just happens, the juggling that is. See, like everyone else, I have heard my share of comments. Comments about how good I am at this and how good I am at that. Not to brag, but it’s just what I do, just like everyone else or so I thought. Wait, did you say we were coming up on the Lord? I thought I was just walking to my car, it is the end of the day right? I mean I talk to you every day don’t I? Wait a minute, this is not the parking garage, is this heaven? Wait, am I dead? No wait, I am alive, I think, but no, to be here I am, I must be? Hold on, where are you going? Excuse me, sir, ma’am, whatever you are? You can’t leave now, what’s that? I know that voice. Oh, yes Lord, yes Lord, it’s me. You startled me, see I was just walking with someone, who, to what I thought was my car, when I realized that I, I am here! Do what? I was just mugged, shot, did you say? How many, who, why? Wait, did, does my wife know? How will the kids get by? I am really dead? What’s that? What do you want me to do? Look where, through there, okay. What is all of that? I cannot see through it all, it’s way too thick. What is that? It seems like, like spaghetti, or like lots of hair only thicker. What’s that Lord? Yes, I remember the parable. What did you say? Those are vines? Vines from heaven? You, Lord, provide those for your children? Oh my, I can’t see through them, it’s much too thick. What, there are more? These are, what? These are the vines you provided only for me? Me, alone? Did you say each time I needed you, you did what? I held onto these vines? Each one of them represents my calling on you, my answered prayers, you meeting my need? All of these I used? But Lord, wait, what was that? Clear, I think we have a pulse. He’s back, he’s back, what’s his pulse, heart rate is good. Whew, that was close. Looks like we saved one tonight. Doctor, you may want to update the family they are waiting in the room down the hall. Yes, this is the gun shot victim. Yes, Mr. Branches is his name.
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This article has been read 717 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jan Ackerson
11/28/05
This stream-of-consciousness writing is very moving...but difficult to read because of the one paragraph, without breaks. Edit this one a bit, it's worth the effort.
Nina Phillips
11/28/05
I agree, I think if the paragraphs were spaced and the dialogue was a little more clear--this would easier to read and comprehend from the git-go. It is a really good story though, I relate to the hats! God bless ya, littlelight
Andria Cook
12/02/05
I agree. Space the paragraphs out. Short sentences build tension. You take your reader up through the tension in short sentences and short paragraphs. You then bring your reader down from the tension with longer paragraphs and conclusions.

Good idea on this piece. Very innovative. I applaude your effort. Work a bit on the technique, but the style itself seems to suit you.
Alexandra Wilkin
12/05/05
I agree with the above comments - there are one or two sentances particularly that needed editing. But your ability with words shines through - alot to like in this. God bless.