Spectator | Previous Challenge Entry

how it works

TITLE: Spectator | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ellen Bethel
06/02/09
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Can she dare believe? Risking once again losing more of herself? As a Christian she has no doubt of her spiritual future however, as a human in this world she has no security, no idea of how to move forward. After years of striving to obtain a closer walk with her Lord; memorizing of Scripture, speaking them into her life and each individual circumstance, the discipline she exercised by carefully thinking before speaking or reacting to trials big and small, time spent begging God to help her husband and help her to understand. She is now just a shell, her former self not even close in view. Years of forgiving, of "one more chances", of "things will get better", years of lies with the mental and emotional abuse which gradually led to small bouts of physical abuse. Now that their children are grown and have gone astray from their God, now her husband begins to show signs of true change. It is as though he has been awakened from a long slumber. How can she trust what she sees now? She does not even trust her own judgement. Her days full of hope have evaporated and now he opens his eyes, now is he remorseful? Now he wants to prove his love, devotion, and committment to her through his actions alongside of his words. She wonders if this is a cruel joke or her prayers answered, not really having the energy to see the difference. She knows she should be rejoicing for the continued changes in her husband yet the emptiness that has consumed her only allows her to see the changes no emotion can surface. The emptiness smothered her emotions long ago. No energy now to even believe the changes she sees, left as only an indifferent spectator of her own life.

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