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Topic: Light and Dark (05/21/09)
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TITLE: "I Will Pray About It" | Previous Challenge Entry
By Robbin Morrell
05/26/09 -
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“I will pray about it.” and “I have a prayer request.” These statements are core to putting prayer into action in the Christian faith. But they could just as easily be quoted as “cop-out” and “gossip”. One of my “cop-outs” changed the direction of my life forever.
A simple request,” Will you help out mom and dad while your sister is away?”
If these were typical relationships the answer would be an easy yes. They are anything but. The last place I wanted to go was grandma’s house. Concerned about my “Christian image” to my unbelieving aunt I replied, “I will pray about it”.
The amazing thing is I actually did. As a follower of Christ I petition God about many serious issues, but I didn’t consider this one of them. I explained the motives behind the request, how it would make me feel, and why it would be difficult with three young children. There’s no doubt in my delivery of an excellent justification.
Out of left field, unlike anything I’d felt before, I was overcome with grief. Not the ‘Charlie Brown’, “good grief” kind of grief, but a deep sadness. I’ve been asked to do things I’d preferred not to many times, even go to grandma’s house and it didn’t make me feel like this. A well-hidden place I didn’t know existed brought to light. I had never experienced such a strong emotion without knowing why. It was obviously a response to my prayer, but a troubling one.
Although grief was the most prevalent of my feelings it brought an ugly friend along named anger. This wasn’t my idea of “lying down in green pastures” and “walking near still waters”. I like answers and understanding without them I had no peace or rest. I couldn’t fully figure out this problem on my own so I sought counseling.
God knew why I didn’t want to go to my grandmother’s house. He didn’t need my rationalization. Instead He stripped it down to the core bringing how I really felt to light. For a time grandma’s house would be crossed off my list of things to do.
Even though sorrow poured out, anger toward my grandmother stood in the way of getting to it. I became outwardly resentful. I talked about the things that hurt me and why I didn’t want a relationship with my family. It was hard for others to understand, and I took some criticism. But I didn’t care; it felt good to be honest about what I really thought.
With loving support from my husband I continued with therapy for about two years. I explored my own shortcomings, gained understanding of the things that frustrated me, and why. The negative affect of my past was that I exhibited involuntary responses of anger. Not because I wanted to be an angry person, but because I hadn’t learned a healthy way of dealing with what was being required of me.
It was good for me to set and maintain boundaries in my family while I worked through my healing process. I gained objectivity, and perspective in the way I looked at the things and people that had hurt me. The saying “You haven’t walked a mile in someone else’s shoes” has philosophical meaning to me now. Over time the playing field has been leveled.
We all have a story. I have been sharing a part of mine with you, but only the surface. I believe that is how we see so much of what is happening around us. Life is so complicated and we can’t really ever know how people became who they are; what it was that made them frustrated, angry, abusive, passive, neglectful, and any number of other things. We don’t see past what they do that injures or exasperates us to see their humanity.
I’ve looked at them through my lens of my experience and personality forgetting their individuality. I find many of my problems are rooted in the expectations I have of someone who is incapable of fulfilling them. Not because they don’t want to, but because they too don’t know how or think that they are. My freedom has come from the release of those expectations.
Hopefully one day I will be able to tell you the rest of the story. But it hasn’t ended yet.
Ep 5:8 (NKJV) For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.
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