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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of “All that Glitters is Not Gold” (without using the actual phrase or literal example). (01/24/08)
The old brick school smelled of history, indeed it dated back to before the revolutionary war. The sun shone onto the eight foot ceilings and plastered walls. It used to be a catholic school and the nuns had taught the children there, but that had ended over 20 years ago.

We had just moved to town and I found myself as the new kid on the block; yet again. Dad was in the military so we had a lot of experience pulling up roots. I missed my old friends and the warm feelings of belonging, which I didn’t even realize I had until they weren’t there anymore.

At church they had told us that the Lord was always with us and that he would be the best friend we’d ever have. But I thought to myself, it’s not the same as having a friend in the flesh.

As the weeks went by I got to know everybody’s name, but school was harder there so I had to spend more time studying. They all laughed when I didn’t know the capitol of Virginia, it was the state we were living in after all, so I guess I had it coming, but I hated feeling stupid.

As we moved into fall I saw my first Indian summer. How beautiful it truly was, the reds and greens were mixed so well on some trees that they looked like my mother’s plaid dress. The smoky burnt orange and screaming yellow trees along side trees so ruby red and iridescent that at a quick glance you’d think they were actually on fire.

My classmates began warming up to me and then Marla introduced herself. Marla was a girl in my class that had beautiful blonde hair, I noticed how it danced and glittered in the sun. She lived in a very nice house, in the nicest part of town. Marla was always dressed in fine clothes and she was very particular about things in general.

We went to the library together and visited each other’s house. My house wasn’t anywhere near as nice as hers was though, and she had so many nice things. I remember she asked me about my father, she thought she had heard he was a Colonel. I had to correct her, Dad was a Sergeant, but he had done pretty well for somebody that had to quit school in the seventh grade to support his mom.

I didn’t see Marla for a few days after that, not until we had gym class together. The entire class went to the park to do laps around the baseball diamond. I ran up beside Marla to talk to her. The ground was wet and mushy from the rain the night before. I noticed that something had changed in Marla, I wasn’t sure what it was, she seemed rather distant and I began to wonder if she was mad at me.

Suddenly a huge mud puddle appeared before us. I was expecting Marla to move to the right so I could avoid the puddle, but instead she moved closer to the left, forcing me into the middle of it. There was no way to avoid it - I stepped right into the puddle of mud.

But then a funny thing happened, my best friend Jesus took over. As I hit the puddle, all of the mud, every last drop of it, spewed out to the left and the right of my foot. It was amazing but I didn’t get any mud on me at all. Marla however was not so fortunate; she stood there, covered with mud.
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This article has been read 801 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Laury Hubrich
02/02/08
Very good story. I would suggest you add dialogue to keep it interesting. I love your ending! LOL!
Laury
Jan Ackerson
02/02/08
Oh, poor Marla got what was coming to her!

There's a lot of narration here, but I'd love more sentences that show us how your narrator is feeling by adding sensory details. Do a search on "showing, not telling" for some good examples.

I see your writing as having superb potential.
Sherry Hoffcastel 
02/03/08
You do have a natual talent. I would agree with the "show, don't tell" approach. Try to make the reader feel what your main characters are feeling without actually telling them. You want to paint a picture with your words. Excellent beginning.