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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Fearful (08/23/07)
The first time it happened we were just roommates but we seemed to be invested emotionally far beyond that simple title. And we fought that far as well. We were both angry people at the time, having spent years and years fighting battles neither of us could win and had eventually turned the war on ourselves, and then each other. The anger had taken over.

He didn’t exactly push me but it was his fault I fell. He shoved past me as I stood dangerously close to the top of the steps and I lost my balance and fell down. His angry denial brought him to shouting and stepping over me, hurriedly leaving the house, not caring if I was hurt.

There were several other times he was physical but I was not in a position to point fingers as I was physical as well. Not anywhere what he could be but it was still the same angry chaos running inside each of our brains, controlling everything we did. Eventually, we calmed down quite a bit. And we ended up having a real relationship.

Fast-forward to a year ago, when I had finally let my guard down thinking it was never going to be as bad as before and when we first got married. Difficult circumstances brought us to marriage but we did love each other. Under all the dirt and anger and sadness, we loved each other more than we even knew. We just didn’t know how to let foster and grow. But slowly, before and after we took our vows, we worked hard at overcoming our external images and let our real souls shine through. I was a mommy and I needed inner peace. We gave our life and our marriage to God to guide us and show us a better path.

But then the day came when we would sabotage all we had built in the previous 2 years. I didn’t even see it coming and before I knew it, I was staring wide-eyed as my daughter and I cried, realizing what he had just done. My face stung…but my heart was bleeding. Can this really be abuse? After that, things were different. I made him stay away for a while and we talked about things on the phone. My biggest mistake was not making him get some help. But it seemed like everything changed after he came back. I was afraid of him for a long time but he was gentle and different and it seemed to be that the event that had taken place really woke him up to the reality of his anger and his lack of control over it.

Nothing happened for a year.

Today I am looking in the mirror and my lip is a little swollen and I have two minor scrapes on my forehead. He exploded last night with such rage that I couldn’t even think clearly as I smacked him across the face and told him to stop cussing at me. Our 2 ½ year old was awake beside me on the couch, witnessing everything. I became instantly afraid as I realized in my heart what we were teaching her. But this came after he had thrown the container at my face, mashed potatoes in my eyes and all over me, the couch, our daughter. I couldn’t believe it and yet, I could. What made me the most fearful was that it barely phased our daughter, having been witness to these interludes since a tiny infant. And that scared me beyond the thought that he did this again, when I’m 5 months pregnant, when we had spent the last year building ‘us’ back up and I had finally started to trust him again.

There is a point that these things come to when it’s a matter of not just the emotional health and safety of either one of us but of our children as well. There never seems to be room for the spiritual end of the spectrum when it comes to things like this. In the world, it’s “Leave or Die.” But I can’t help but think that the time we have invested into our relationship and the ways in which God has interceded for us before might be our saving grace. But it’s buried underneath everything else and I am afraid to go searching, afraid of it getting worse before it gets better. And I am afraid that I won’t make it long enough to see.
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This article has been read 941 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Dolores Stohler 
08/31/07
I felt greatly disturbed as I read this story. Is it your story or is it made up? If real, I advise you to get help immediately. Having once been a victim of abuse, I realize that you have captured the feelings of hurt, denial, and confusion very well. Your story is well written, painful in its truth.
Mark Bell
09/02/07
Way too real. I sincerely hope this is fiction. If it is, it is believable and real. As fiction, it may be a bit wordy. There are some places where you can cut the verbage without cutting the quality of the content.

If this is not fiction, I fear for whoever the real subject of this is. Having worked in shelters, I know they need outside help. I hope they get it.

(hhhmmm...might make an interesting follow up to this...something to think about writing...)
Rachel Burkum
09/02/07
Very emotional. Left me wondering what would happen next - I needed closure.
Janice Cartwright
09/03/07
I feel pretty certain this is non-fiction. Yes, marriage is sacred and with God all things are possible. There are however guidelines given in regards to a mate being "pleased" to dwell. It doesn't sound to me as if the abuser in this scenario is truly pleased to dwell. There are some deeply seated issues here that will never be dealt with so long as the abused person remains an enabler. IMHO you should separate to undergo extensive Christian counseling and until such time as there is real, long-term evidence of healing. God bless you and keep you and your child in His tender care.
Sherrie Jackson
09/03/07
I was completely engrossed in this from beginning to end. It's admirable that your longer sentences still flow, make sense, and don't violate any grammar rules (that I can tell); excellent job with that.

The others have given you great advice, but I've still got to say, I sincerely hope this is fiction. God bless.
Larry Amon
09/03/07
Having been not in the exact same situation but in a similar one, this story feels incredibly real to me. If it's true, my advice is that the only way to get things better is to separate yourselves from each other until you both get a clear picture of what is really hapening. Then, with pastoral and marital counseling maybe things can be fixed over time. If it's fiction or even if not you captured the feeling very well. However, as far as writing goes, it could use a little editing.
Brenda Buikema
09/03/07
So sad is the tone of your story. Though heavy in it's content this is a very well written story, written with many emotions. I too hope this is not a true story! God Bless!
valerie chambers
09/04/07
The skill of writing is to draw the reader into the story ---to feel it. Whether the story is true or not you have accomplished that.It is hard to believe you are a beginning writer because you are good. Some editing yes but I also need a refresher in English 101 :-)
Jeanette Northan
09/04/07
I hope this is not non-fiction either. I agree with the others because I know people who have been in that situation. It seems so real. You have captured the feelings of confusion, and denial in this story. I am anxious to know the whole story.
Jennifer Johnson
09/06/07
The story is riveting because it is reality whether the actual story here is fact or fiction. You have identified "Inherited Pain" with grit and humility. People who grow up unequipped to handle healthy conflicts because of improper modeling usually grow up to choose similar friends and a similar mate, making it almost impossible not to repeat the pattern. But all things are possible with God. The answer to the story's title is, "Absolutely!" My prayer is for angels to intercede.