Desire and Discord | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Desire and Discord | Previous Challenge Entry
By Tina Mitchell Boutall
01/20/05
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It was too cold to run but I went into the biting cold armed with muffs, parka, and thermals under sweats. The streets were silent at 9:00 a.m. in our sleepy little town laced with snow laden corn fields. The children were off to school and everyone was at work but me. Down the sidewalk and around the snow banked corner working my way from a brisk walk to a slow trot I came across walkers, joggers and an occasional pickup truck. Having been up north just one year, I was still adjusting to people waving at one another. I waved when I remembered.

The more I ran, the quicker my breath got, my head throbbed and my cheeks were tingling. I ran to the end of town headed for who knows where trying to figure out what to do with me. I wanted to run until the road was gone. I quit my job, packed the house and none of it seemed real. I prayed as I ran, “God, I know that you knew where I would be today. Why am I here? Why did this happen? You know that I have waited and prayed for a husband. I thought I had found him, Lord. Please help me, God, because I don’t understand! I just wanted to be a wife and mother, Lord!”

I finally turned around and headed back home in tears. Back inside, my body vacillated between stinging, sweating and screaming from this morning’s abuse. I grabbed my Bible and some coffee and walked into the home office on rubbery legs. I let it fall open to see what God had to say to me. The pages fell open a little right of center to Proverbs. Sipping my coffee, I began with the first chapter and thought of a Christmas card from my first grade teacher. She signed her name and wrote Proverbs 2:3-5 beneath it. Beginning the second chapter, it thundered from the page like a bolt of lightning.

“Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding; If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as hid treasures; Then shalt thou understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God.”
Proverbs 2:3-5 KJV

God sent the answer that I needed today through a dear saint thirty years ago. I called my Dad and lamented my failed relationship and broken life. “Honey, you have to remember Matthew 6:33 and live by what it says. You haven’t done things right.” He quoted the verse and said, “If you desire the things of God and live the way that you should God will bless you with the rest.” We both said ‘I love you’ and hung up. He was right. I did not wait on the Lord, stepped ahead and way out of line. My sin cost me my relationship, I have to accept God’s judgment. I went after the right things the wrong way. How can I expect God to bless me in my sin?

I sat the Bible upon its spine one last time praying for another morsel. It fell open to the book of Matthew and my eyes fell upon, “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled” (Matthew 5:6 KJV). Oh, to be full! The regret of my sin overcame me and I knelt in repentance before the Lord. “God, I have made such a mess. I have sinned. I made my relationship first when you should have been first. Your ways are higher than my ways. Help me to live my life in a way that honors you. I let you down and I am so sorry, Lord. Please forgive me. All of this I pray in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

“I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.”
Psalm 32:5 NIV

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