The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Shopping (03/01/07)
6-year old Hannah’s eyes sparkled, and her cheeks were tinted rose with excitement as she entered the General Store on Main Street. The scents of cinnamon, coffee, and spices assaulted her senses as she stood by the front door and gazed about. She gently smoothed out her skirt, and adjusted her gloves as she had seen Mama do so many times before. Her hard earned quarter was tucked neatly away in a bit of cloth, inside her little purse, which dangled daintily from her wrist. This was her day. She wanted to relish every moment.

Mama smiled down at me, then gently nudged me further inside the door.

“Go ahead, Darling. Take a look around.”

I had dreamed of this for the past month, ever since Mama had promised me my very first shopping trip for being such a big help to her during the days immediately following Granny’s illness. Mama had let me keep a quarter out of the egg money, since she said we wouldn’t have even had eggs to sell if it weren’t for me gathering them each morning so she could rest.

Papa had given mama a tender smile then, which I didn’t quite understand at the time. Not that I really tried to. All I could see was that shiny quarter in the palm of my hand. A quarter of my very own!

Now that I was actually here, I didn’t know where to start.

I took a step towards the candy counter, thinking of the delectable treats that awaited me there. Did I want sour balls? My mouth began to water, and my jaw to ache, just at the thought. Maybe a stick of peppermint would be nice. I usually only received those once a year at Christmastime, from my beloved Granny. If I took a bag of candies to school on Monday, I would be the envy of all my chums!

I made my way past the candy counter, and began looking at the ribbons and lace. I could just picture a new pink ribbon entwined delicately in my hair and cascading down my back as I sat in Church on Sunday. The sunlight would hit it just so, and enhance the sheen of my perfectly brushed hair.

The coffee called to me next. I have loved the smell of coffee ever since I could remember. Oh, I know I couldn’t drink it myself, but how grown up it would be to purchase some beans, and watch them be ground!

I glanced over at Mama. She threw me another one of her brilliant smiles, and waved to me from the corner where she chatted gaily with her closest friend.

My Mama was perfect. Graceful, intelligent, gentle, and always willing to help a neighbor in need; those were the qualities that so many admired in her.

Papa had told me that he and Mama had prayed for a little girl for a long time before I came along. He said that Mama had commented many times on how she looked forward to the day she could pick the wildflowers that bloomed in the field alongside our house with her little girl. How she couldn’t wait to teach me about Jesus, sew my first gown, and eventually, prepare me with bridal lilies. Papa said I was just the little girl my Mama always dreamed of. My Papa sure did love Mama and me.

I finally made my decisions, and had each item wrapped separately. There were my parcels, all tied up with twine. Just like Mama’s. I received a nickel in return and went to tell Mama I was done. She glanced at my purchases curiously, but didn’t question.

Late that night, after everyone was asleep, I lay awake thinking of my tiny treasures.

Quietly, I crept out of bed and retrieved my parcels. I placed the tin of coffee next to Papa’s plate, and slipped the pink ribbon into Mama’s jewelry box. Next, I took the peppermint sticks, and put them next to my Granny’s Bible on her nightstand.

I crawled back into bed with a grateful heart. Jesus would get my nickel next Sunday at church. He deserved it more than anyone. He had kept my Granny safe, and gave me the best Mama and Papa a girl could ask for. I was blessed.

I faded off to dreamland with the joy of my first shopping trip swirling around in my mind. It was everything I knew it would be.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be right now. CLICK HERE

JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 1322 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jacquelyn Horne
03/09/07
A beautiful story of a child's love being shown. The break between six-year-old Hannah and her telling of the story was a little blunt. You might smooth that out. But overall this was a very good story and very good writing.
Loretta Leonard
03/12/07
Your description of a young child making a decision is very intuitive. I like your approach and feel like I was right there standing with Hannah. I especially liked the fact that Hannah used her money to make others happy rather than focusing on her own happiness. This is the key to being a Christian. Keep up the good work!
Catrina Bradley
03/14/07
Wow, wonderful work! Great descriptive writing - I felt like I was a 6-year old again with a quarter in a big store. I especially liked her choices. And just a note - when you start a sentence with a number, it should be spelled out - "Six". Very minor. I enjoyed this - keep writing, please!
Donna Powers
03/15/07
Lovely and so very touching. I loved this generous little child. Good work!
Deborah Porter 
03/20/07
Tori, this was a delightful, charming trip to a world of childhood that I feel is quite distant from today. The nostalgic feel to it was a joy. Only one thing let it down. The point of view shift right at the start. If you had kept it as a third person narrative, or alternatively, made it all in the first person (through Hannah's eyes), this would have done quite well. Personally, I think the third person narrative would have been the way to go.

If you would be willing to re-work it so that the point of view remains consistent, and if you are willing to allow us to use it, I would love to include this in an upcoming issue of FaithWriters' Magazine (www.faithwritersmagazine.com). Just send me a private message to let me know if that's okay, and then send through an edited version together with a short bio note (you'll see examples at the end of every article in FW Magazine).

Hope to hear from you.

Love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator and Editor, FaithWriters' Magazine.)