Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Cross (as in the Cross of Christ) (08/17/06)
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TITLE: Whirlpool of Darkness | Previous Challenge Entry
By
08/23/06 -
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How could I have dwelt on the pain from the past, I thought, as though it were a burden that I, myself, must carry! I recognized my error and quickly reassured her and shared God’s Word where Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30, Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (KJV) Jesus Christ, himself, bore our sin and our suffering on His Cross, in our place. Praise His holy name! And then I explained how the Lord brought me out of darkness into His glorious light:
There is a stronghold, deep and dark,
Longing to enfold me.
With beguiling lures, it invites me in,
Seducing and enticing.
At first, I think,
“Oh, no!”
But feelings overwhelm me,
And deeper in I go.
Once trapped, I look around me,
Furtively seeking for the door.
Fear slinks its way into my soul,
And guilt begins to soar.
Why did I listen to the Deceiver,
Believe his baubles had allure.
His promises are tempting,
And now I am unsure.
What have I done in my selfishness,
To plunge to depths so low.
In my desire to go my own way,
I’ve surely sold my soul.
As tears begin to slowly fall
And my head is downward bowed,
A still small voice is barely heard,
It isn’t very loud.
It is saying tenderly,
if I will only listen,
Come unto Me, ye heavy laden,
Its urging is insistent.
There is a flicker of candle-flame,
In the distance, I can see.
Out of the whirlpool of darkness,
He’s made a way for me.
Keep coming, keep running! I’m still here,
As I’ve always been for you.
When you turned away and chose your own path,
There was nothing I could do...
Except wait...until you knew you’d lost your way
And hated where you’d gone;
Then I could whisper, This is the way,
And I could lead you Home.
So, Come unto Me, my weary child,
Take my hand again;
Never let go, always trust Me,
And safety you will know.
I didn’t say it would be easy,
there’s lessons along the way.
But the blessed rewards of love, joy and peace
Will be yours if you stay.
Now, I know I’ll never return
To the darkness of the night.
In my heart, I freely choose
To walk within His light.
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Take a look at your first 5 sentences: you have attentively, deeply, discouragingly, and quickly. It's almost always a better writing choice to use strong verbs or nouns than adverbs.
Your writing is very good, and I encourage you to experiment with alternatives to those pesky adverbs. Thanks for this moving piece!
Also, in a poem, just like in prose, you need to set out what a person (character) says with quotation marks.
Otherwise, this is a good poem! Keep writing and stretching yourself.