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TITLE: St Groanings' | Previous Challenge Entry
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02/24/15
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Cast:
Ron Arrow
Gertie Arrow

[Village church hall: Ron sits at a table, reading. Gertie bustles in and sits beside him.]

Ron: Ah, there you are, my dear. I was beginning to wonder if you’d nodded off in there.

Gertie: What a terrible sermon today! Complete and utter tosh!

Ron: Couldn’t agree more. Thought I’d better get myself out of there before I blew a gasket.

Gertie: Quite so. [Pauses, looks around. Whispers:] Have you seen those floral monstrosities this week? Cheap carnations!

Ron: Oh, yes. Bally disgraceful! Hardly the image we want here. Doris’s handiwork, I believe.

Gertie: I’m thinking Joan requires our sagacity in weeding out unsuitable flower arrangers from her team.

Ron: Something must be done, and quickly. [Bangs table] This lowering of standards at St Groanings’ won’t impress donors.

Gertie: Perish the thought! Fancy a cup of tea [emphasises ‘cup’]?

Ron: Absolutely, [leans back in chair] now we’ve finally got the Hospitality Committee to see reason and replace those common-as-muck mugs with proper bone china cups. We’ve excelled ourselves on that score.

Gertie: Wasn’t that a far better use of the outreach budget? I’m so relieved we persuaded the Church Council the money is best invested in seeking to attract refined folk. I couldn’t believe the ridiculous nonsense Suzie was spouting, proposing to waste the money on new equipment for the Toddler Group–

Ron: [raises voice]Preposterous woman! Wanting to recruit families to the church, indeed! We don’t want hoards of screaming brats disrupting our hallowed sanctum of tea and coffee after Sunday service. And who knows what kind of riff-raff her utterly irresponsible idea would bring tumbling through our doors?

Gertie: Quite right! [Smirks] And on that note, I’m pleased to report that I finally persuaded that Robinson woman to leave.

Ron: The single mother and her brood?

Gertie: The very one. I tactfully pointed out that there’s no place for the immoral at St Groanings’. [Wags finger] Can’t be leading others astray. Whatever next?

Ron: It doesn’t bear thinking about. A masterstroke, my dear; one that calls for a celebratory tea.

Gertie: Right-o. [Ron leaves, returns shortly with a tray and two cups.]

Ron: Here you are.

Gertie: [sips, spits it out] How vile! It’s clear that the Coffee Team has no standards. They let any plebeian onto their team, regardless of their tea-making abilities.

Ron: Or lack thereof.[Glares at kitchen]

Gertie: Precisely. The members of the Hospitality Committee have proven themselves to be sensible, like-minded folk. I’m sure if we put the matter to them, they’ll take action.

Ron: If they feel that a new leader for the Coffee Team would be the solution, I would be more than happy to offer my services.

Gertie: Splendid idea, darling. [Pats his shoulder] You’re just the sort of sensible chap who’ll disabuse them once and for all of this ‘making everyone feel they belong here’ twaddle. [Shudders.]

Ron: Come to think of it, that was exactly what got my goat in this morning’s service. [Stiffens.] Whatever was Reverend Jones thinking? Reading stories about Jesus consorting with prostitutes, lepers and the like, indeed! We don’t have to look far to ascertain the cause of the influx of undesirables at St Groanings’.

Gertie: Quite so. Sounds like another letter to the bishop is in order. I believe you’ve corresponded so often that you’re now on first-name terms. Pity the bishop remains impassive to Reverend Jones’s blatant attempts to force us to associate with the wrong sort of people, despite the distress it causes us [rings hands].

Ron: Maybe I’ll take it to the top – try the archbishop, instead.

Gertie: Good idea. Something must be done about Reverend Jones. He didn’t seem troubled by what some little hooligan did to our prayerbook! [She opens a book, shows Ron, reads:] Property of Mr & Mrs Arrow-Gant. Can you believe they didn’t delete the W?

Ron: Abominable! Don’t children know how to spell these days? Don’t tell me we’re going to have to eradicate the blight of illiteracy from St Groanings’, too.

Gertie: Quite possibly, starting with this Jesus character that Reverend Jones keeps droning on about. From what I can tell, the man was only a lowly carpenter who could neither read nor write. Hardly someone qualified to be listened to by others.

Ron: No wonder he didn’t understand the folly of fraternising with lowlifes. What a shame he doesn’t come to St Groanings’. We could’ve set him right on a point or two, couldn’t we?

[curtain.]

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