Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Write for the HUMOR Genre (10/09/14)
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TITLE: Back to the Basics | Previous Challenge Entry
By Marlene Bonney
10/15/14 -
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As empty-nester grandparents, we depend on our children for photographs. Our trusty old Kodak camera broke and the new one gifted to us has so many buttons and arrows and instructions—written in so many multiple languages, I cut out the foreign ones to save space and frustration—that, by the time we figure out how to use it, the moment we wanted to capture is gone.
We are very practical people.
We needed a new cell phone a while back and the incredulous stares from salesclerks and customers alike when they saw the “relic” we were utilizing, was downright embarrassing! You’d think we got it in the Dark Ages instead of just a few years ago. The new cell phones offered were much like our offspring’s Blueberries—oh, that’s right, honey—Blackberries is what they call them.
“Just the simplest model available, please,” I implored, “we don’t need to take pictures or anything other than phoning.”
The salesman returned with a miniscule compact edition demo that had letter buttons so small my arthritic fingers couldn’t press just one at a time. Besides, I have watched others who have fancy cell phones wiping their fingers across its screen to show mini pics of their grandchildren. No magnifying glass is needed when I whip out my 4 X 6 physical photographs! I also have observed people texting messages to whomever WHEREVER while they ignore the people they are with. No, thank you!
“No, sir, we do not ‘text’; we only talk. The only texts we use are in book form. All we need are buttons 0 through 9.”
By the time we got out of the store, we were on digital overload; my husband’s left eye was twitching, a sure sign he had “had it up to HERE”.
We are stubbornly practical people.
Now, I am not an ignoramus. I graduated from a manual typewriter to an electric one, and after that, to a Word Processor before ever becoming acquainted with a computer. I e-mail our children regularly and have even learned how to order photographs they have taken and entered into an internet studio. (Don’t ask me if I am “uploading” or “downloading” at the time, though.) I know how to use the printer scanner, how to change its ink cartridges and how to run an Amazon Marketplace Bookseller Business.
My 70-yr.-old husband has trouble pushing an arrow to search & clip coupons and depends on me for the rest. That doesn’t stop him from giving useless advice when I am trying to solve system glitches:
“There’s GOT to be a simple way to get that thingy off the screen—you just aren’t doing it right,” OR “Maybe you shouldn’t have hit that back arrow, honey.”
We are mostly practical people.
The biggest problem we have is the terminology for these things. In the early days of my computer education, my self-appointed teachers got a big kick out of my greenhorn status.
“Look out for that mouse—the tail, ‘er cord, is tangled,” laughing as I sheepishly jump down from the tabletop.
“Windows 7 is opening,” lifting their collective eyebrows as I scrambled to shut the seven windows I had just opened in the dead of winter.
“You need to save everything with your thumb drive,” giggling at my failed attempts to push my right thumb into said slot.
As soon as I advanced from Computer-101, I was thrown into the Lion’s Den of digital information beyond my comprehension.
“Grammy, you got the wrong flash drive!” new term for thumb drive that I appreciate, “you need one with gigabytes, not megabytes.”
“But mega sounds bigger than giga to me.”
Well, trust me, it isn’t. Your disk space would be too limited with megas. A gigabyte has 1,000 megabytes.”
What’s a bite, anyway?” wondering if my dentures would tolerate 1,000 chomps.
“A byte is 8 bits.”
“Oh, you mean like Gramps’ drill bit sizes!” proud that I was familiar with their different measurement sizes.
Johnny threw up his hands and gave up while I happily typed up an e-mail to my daughter.
“Grams, you don’t have to hit those keys so hard, you know,” his parting shot.
What could I say? My manual typewriter habits are imbedded into fintertip memories.
We are somewhat practical people.
Cyberspace twittering? Tweeting? (The birds are enough for me!) The Facebook issue? And the hashtag (#####???) thingy—forget it.
As I said, we are rather practical people.
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Your humour kept building right through. Well done.
God bless~