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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: TOURIST ATTRACTION(S) (natural or man-made) (08/06/15)
I hate it, I hate it, I say to myself, but there is no use saying it aloud. I’ve been persuaded to go on the dragon train ride. Watching one round, I think, yes, I can do this, but when the thing leans precariously from side to side, I wish I’d declined, and my sweaty palms slipping on the hand rail do nothing to increase my sense of security. I’m glad when it’s over, but everyone else is loving it. Later when my daughter-in-law has a turn she goes three times, she loves it so much. The children, too, go multiple times.
Even worse is the biggest roller coaster that thrills the teenagers. My son and his nine-year-old go on it nine times! Its speed is frightening, and I expect to see streams of vomit during the corkscrew sequence but the riders hold it together and love it.
We are enjoying a family holiday in Thailand, having come from several parts of the globe to get here and meet up. To visit Siam Park City, a popular tourist attraction in Bangkok, we have used three taxis to transport the thirteen of us from our hotel. The computer experts among us have scoured the internet to find the best amusement park in which to spend the day. It is a tall order to find somewhere that will suit the teenagers and the littlies, as well as the grandies. This place is superb.
After my scary ride I am content to be the person who ‘minds the stuff’. I can sit in the shade looking after the bags and watch the two littlest in the water while others go off and enjoy their rides. By the end of the day I count five rides in my tally, well short of others in our group, but I am content.
We don’t all have to be the same, or to enjoy the same things. I am content to watch the others enjoy themselves, and it is a pleasure to watch the grandchildren who we don’t see very often. They need the action and variety.
I am glad God has variety in his family and in his kingdom. Each one of us has special gifts, and we don’t all have to do the same things. In fact it would be terrible if we did. For then there would be some tasks left undone.
God knows our needs and has designed his wonderful world for us to enjoy. We thank him for special family times and for his protection and blessing.
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This article has been read 520 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
08/14/15
I enjoyed this. I also think I hate it! when I go on any roller coaster. (Notice how I put the thoughts in italics.)I think you did a nice job of writing on topic in a fresh and intriguing way.

I did notice a comma splices and some other minor punctuation errors, but my biggest red ink would be in the transition criterion. I thought it felt a bit disjointed to go to the roller coaster description, which was a great hook in the beginning, to the search for parks. Another example is you say it's great for teens, but mention your son and his nine-year-old child.

I know a lot of people worry about keeping it under 750 words, but I'd urge you to let it go at first. Use dialog, descriptions, and body language to move the story forward and to develop the characters. Then if need be, go back and delete anything that doesn't move the story forward.

Many struggle with the beginning and the ending. In my opinion, those were your strongest criteria of the ones the judges used. Like I said before, I quickly related to the MC and found myself pulled into the story. The ending left me with a warm feeling. Your message is a strong one. I think with some tweaking, this would make a great devotion.
Bonnie Bowden 
08/15/15
I only say, "I like it" after getting off the ride. I liked your message but got a little sidetracked at times.

Red Ink: Use more white space between paragraphs.