The Official Writing Challenge
BACK TO
CHALLENGE
MAIN
INSTRUCTIONS
how it works
submission rules
guidelines for
choosing a level
ENTRIES
submit your entry
read current entries
read past entries
challenge winners
Our Daily Devotional HERE
Place it on your site or
receive it daily by email.


TRUST JESUS TODAY

  • Share
  • how it works
  • Submit
Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Barbeque/Cookout (09/06/12)
“Hi, sweetie.” Aunt Norma plants a big, wet kiss on my cheek. I try to squirm out of her embrace. I don’t know why, but she makes me nervous.

Others, especially when Mama takes me to the doctor, speak around me in hushed voices, whispering, “He’s mentally disabled,” and then talk to me very slow and loud. Maybe that MD thing is why I can’t understand why Aunt makes my stomach flip-flop.

I go out the back door, onto Aunt and Uncle’s patio. Their little dog, Cocoa, barks and run circles around my legs. Most dogs scare me, but not Cocoa. She listens when I talk. I like Cocoa and I know she likes me.

I walk over to Uncle Charlie, who is guarding the grill. He moves meat around with a long handled spatula. Soon, we’ll be eating my favorites: hot dogs and baked beans.

“Is it done? Is it done?” I ask Uncle.

“In a minute,” he laughs, waving me away with his spatula.

I flop down on a lawn chair; close enough to keep an eye on Uncle. I want to know the exact moment my hot dogs are done. Cocoa jumps into my lap.

Aunt Norma flits around like her parakeet. Mama calls him Nervous Norvus. She’s fussing over dishes and napkins and forks and stuff.

“Want some sweet tea?” she asks.

“Uh-huh.”

She hands me a tall glass. “Careful you don’t spill,” she cautions.

Aunt and Uncle’s neighbor, Mr. Barnes, comes out of his house. Mama waves at him. I do too.

“Sarah,” Aunt B says, “don’t do that.”

“Why not?” Mama asks.

“He’s a drunk,” Aunt Norma says, lifting her nose. “I don’t want him coming over here and ruining our cookout. Besides, Rick and Jane are coming over and what would they think?”

I look at Aunt Norma, and Mama and back at Mr. Barnes.

“He nice,” I say.

Aunt Norma snorts. “He drinks.”

“What that?” I ask Mama. “I drink.” I hold up my iced tea.

Mama looks at me, then her sister and sighs.

“It means he drinks stuff that makes him do strange things,” she explains.

I look at her, not understanding. Maybe it’s that MD stuff.

Mama shrugs. “It makes him … ummm ….

“It’s evil,” Aunt Norma snaps. “Bad. Sinful. You should stay away from him.”

Confusion assaults me as I try to figure out what is evil about drinking and Mr. Barnes. I think about how he talks to me — like a real friend. Not like he’s smart and I’m dumb. He talks to me in a normal voice, not hushed and awkward. He plays ball with me and even sneaks me peanut butter crackers — my favorite.

“How come he bad?” I feel like crying because I like Mr. Barnes.

Mama comes over and hugs me. I see sadness in her eyes. I don’t understand that either.

“We’ll talk later, son,” she whispers.

A car pulls into the drive.

“Rick and Jane are here,” Aunt Norma announces, hurrying over to greet them. She ushers them to the table. “We can get started now,” she says, smiling. “Rick, will you ask the Lord to bless the food?”
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
Accept Jesus as Your Lord and Savior Right Now - CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
This article has been read 1019 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Laura Hawbaker
09/13/12
Great dialogue. The character of the people was well reflected in how they talked. I am a bit confused why Aunt Norma was called Aunt B in the middle of the story. Good writing!
Seema Bagai 
09/14/12
A creative idea and well-written. However, if the main character really has mental challenges, then the interior monologue should reflect that. The MC's thoughts sounded way too mature. Maybe this would be better written in third person. Just a suggestion you may want to try.
PamFord Davis 
09/14/12
I can feel awkwardness in the air. Your MC has genuine feelings, attitudes and desires. I liked your perception of both his thoughts and emotions.

Wing His Words!
C D Swanson 
09/15/12
I like pieces that reflect internal dialogue, and yours did just that. Nicely done, and I am curious about "Aunt B" too? Was that intentional?

Nonetheless, I've enjoyed this descriptive well-written entry that was totally on topic.

God Bless~
Dannie Hawley 
09/17/12
Ah, yes, we've all been in this situation at one time or another. I liked the way your dialogue reflected the opinions of the characters. I am assuming that Aunt Bea was another of the guests, but you might not want to include her unless you can either introduce her before she speaks or, perhaps, mention her again later in a way that gives the reader an idea of why she is in the story. It's hard with so few words but better to just leave her out if not enough room to let the reader feel comfortable with her mention in the scene. I loved the little MC's perception of the neighbor and his worth. We, too, need to look passed the blaring faults of others and see their real need. The MC and his mother are good examples of acceptance. Some powerful reflections result from reading your story! Good job.
Edmond Ng
09/19/12
As in reality, there is seldom perfection in any given situation. Your story brings out true to life the nice and the not so nice. Well done on a nicely written piece.