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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Concentration (07/24/08)

TITLE: Swish! Thud!
By Sara Harricharan
07/30/08


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The wooden pointer sliced through the air with a loud smack as it graced the surface of Madame’s tea table. The china cup rattled as the liquid sloshed and rippled.

“Your wretched voice could improve if you would put your mind to it!” Madame Isabella trilled disapprovingly.

Her plush, velvet robes were tied tight around her waist, a stark contrast to the simple, stained linens that made up my patchwork dress. Heavy gold necklaces spilled down to her plump stomach, while stringy hair hung matted about my shoulders.

I wondered how she could breathe, how she could stand to live with herself, but such thoughts were a distraction.

Her black snake eyes peered out from hooded, coal-lined eyelids. “That Rabbi fills your head with frivolous dreams. I feed you, clothe you, put a roof over your head and you repay this generosity with impertinence?” She slapped the pointer on the edge of the chair, muttering words beneath her breath. “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be left to the streets, without a bed to call your own.” She thrust her fat chin into the air. “Let me see your hands.”

Fear struck me like the first blow of an axe. I hadn’t meant to complain. I’d only wished for warmth, the girls’ dormitories were bone-chilling. I’d felt a cold coming on and I’d heard enough sneezes for the night.

Madame summoned me before I could approach her. My humble proposal was met with icy indifference, followed by a lecture of my voice.

“Let me see your hands!”

Her angry bellow burst through my troubled thoughts as my body obeyed and my mind refused. My hands trembled beside me, as I stretched them out for her inspection.

Long fingernails skittered over my palms, stroking and feeling. The look of boredom morphed to one of superiority. Her head gave a funny jerk. “Wash well before you sleep.”

She settled her bulk into an overstuffed armchair. “Sing…something soft and sweet…for the night.” Her lips pursed. “If I fall asleep, you’re welcome to spend the night here…in the parlor, if it isn’t too cold for you.”

I closed my eyes, concentrating. There had to be something I could sing. Focus on the music…in your heart. God has given you a tremendous gift, child, you must use it for good and not evil. The Rabbi’s words trickled through as I opened my mouth. A mere squeak escaped.

Madame’s chubby fingers curled around a glass of yellowed liquid. “Here…this should help…it’s lemon and honey.”

The syrupy sweetness of her voice, sickened my stomach, but again, my body obeyed as my heart protested. I held the crystal glass for the briefest second of my life before it fell to the floor.

Crystal shards reflected rainbows as the liquid splattered on fine upholstery and Madame’s special stack of printed sheet music. The gasp lodged in my throat, the horror surfacing as I turned to face her wrath.

She surged forward, as the remaining sheets decorated the floor, her skirts sopping up the sticky liquid. Fire flared from her as one hand clenched the pointer. “Let me see your hands!” She demanded.

The traitor hands were held out.

Swish! Thud!

Swish! Thud!


Angry lines of red sprang to life on the whiteness canvas of my hands. She stopped when the first cry was wrenched from my soul.

The thin lips curved upwards in disdain as the pointer fell to the floor. With calculated gentleness, she wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulders. “Shhh! There now…I know you didn’t mean to. After all, I could have you-” She swallowed, forcing the bitterness away, with a smile I dreaded. “Clean up this mess and do not leave this room until my sheet music is returned to their original state.” She tipped my chin up. “Next time, darling, just concentrate…and sing.”

I watched her sashay from the room, with all her airs around her. For a moment, I felt deliciously wicked enough for revenge. My gaze fell upon her precious sheet music.

The hearth flames flickered.

I picked up the first sheet and fingered it. The Rabbi would faint if he knew I could sing such songs. He thought me to be an innocent girl, untouched by the darkness that surrounded me.

Be there better things than this? I pushed the thought and the paper through the grate. It floated onto the coals as the weak flames ignited in sync with the new rebellion in my heart.

Copyright 2008


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This article has been read 712 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Laury Hubrich 07/31/08
The poor little girl. I was scared for her. I really like the contrast in characters. Wonderful job and now I am ready for the rest of the story. Drat that word count! Ugh!!!
Joy Faire Stewart08/04/08
I could feel the fear each time the little girl was told to hold out her hand. Excellent descriptive writing.
Verna Cole Mitchell 08/05/08
You showed so well the cruelty of the mistress and the desperation of the cold girl. Your details are superb, wringing an emotional response from the reader.
Betty Castleberry08/05/08
I could see this very clearly. You are very skilled at putting the reader in the setting. Well done.
Yvonne Blake 08/06/08
Wow! What vivid descriptions!
You have some interesting characters, although Madame Isabella is hard to understand. Maybe she's supposed to be. I was also confused about what the Rabbi had to do with anything. It seems as if there is more to the story that we don't know.
I'd like to see this plot expanded.
Loren T. Lowery08/06/08
This is such good, descriptive writing and the ending very, very profound. The title helps to understand the story yet I am left wanting to know more.
Helen Dowd 08/06/08
Excellent read. I was trembling with the girl as she stood before this stern "witch". I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I was reminded of some of the stories I've read by Catherine Cookson. She portrays the dominance of the rich over the poor, the high-and-mighty over the lowly. I felt relief when the old "witch lady" left and was happy that the little girl got her revenge...Great writing...I wanted more, more...Helen
Joshua Janoski08/07/08
You immersed me in the environment. I feared the Madame, and I could feel her cruelty as I read.

Still waiting for you to expand all these stories. I want more! LOL. :)

Great job!
Elizabeth Hexberg08/07/08
Great writing.....and so, what happens next?
It reads like a very masterful version of Cinderella 'in the making!'
Thanks, and God Bless. Elizabeth.