Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Start (01/16/06)
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TITLE: The wood burning stove | Previous Challenge Entry
By Tiffanie Chezum
01/23/06 -
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Flurries of snow swirled around the countryside, It's not supposed to snow. Not 'til tomorrow. "Why are you doing this to me?" he yelled, gazing skyward. "Do you want me to die out here?" he stopped for a moment and rested against a tree, trying to suppress the sick knot that was building in his stomach. Die alone … all alone. The young man scanned the desolate wilderness looking for a familiar sight, but his landmarks were veiled behind the layers of white. C'mon, let's get goin', he trudged on, barely able to move his aching legs.
He had taken this hike many times before, but never in these conditions. His thoughts and emotions conspired to betray him. Not much more. Can't be much more, fear and dismay were permeating every fiber of his being. The weight of his backpack wearied him, I could make better time if I dumped this thing … No, no! I can't. I need the supplies. "Why won't you help me?" his voice echoed in the distance, "What am I supposed to do?" He walked to a nearby ledge to survey the situation, I can't … The snow under his feet shifted throwing Steve off balance, there was no time for him to step back before the hillside collapsed to the bottom of the bluff.
He struggled to his feet, brushing the snow from his frigid face and body, "What have I done to deserve this?" He tried to assess any injuries, Why me? He massaged his sore left leg, bending the knee a few times, Why is this happening? Rage consumed his mind, "Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?" He threw his pack to the ground, "If I'm not going to survive just end it now!" The weary hiker started weeping, Oh no, no. I don't want to die! "Is that what you want? You want to hear me say it? I don't want to die! …" the anger in his voice faded, "Please!" He buried his face into his glove-enveloped hands, "Help me … please."
Steve stooped over to retrieve his belongings. Through the haze of the wind whipped snow he saw a familiar silhouette, Is that it? He hoisted his supplies over his shoulder and limped across the frozen ground, Please … It's got-a be my cabin. Every muscle in his body felt rigid as he stumbled and staggered toward his destination. As he inched near the small structure more details came into focus. It is! … Oh yes! "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, thank you!" he tried to quicken his pace but his trembling body would not cooperate.
The beleaguered traveler entered the shelter and pushed the door closed. Small puffs of steam raised into the air as he tried to catch his breath. The backpack dropped to the floor, Steve inspected the dark, lifeless room, Get the stove lit. He sat next to the old, wood burning stove and labored to prepare the layers of fuel. Matches! Where are they? He scavenged through the many compartments of the knapsack, "They've got to be here!" He dumped the contents on the floor and fumbled through the pile until he retrieved the plastic wrapped box.
His quivering, numb hands were not able to grasp, Take the gloves off, it should help. The glove was removed from his right hand, but the spastic movements only managed to scatter the matches on the floor. With all his energy he concentrated and picked one up. He swiped it across the edge of the box … a small spark, then nothing. Another try, strike … spark …Yes! Yes, thank you. He moved the flame to the stove watching with great intent as it flickered, his hand shaking and hard to control, C'mon, c'mon. Soon a small glow began to develop at the edge of the paper under the wood, Please … please, get going! The fire crept up the tiny stick to Steve's trembling digits, Light! "Please, get started!" He dropped the thin piece of burning wood, "Please God! Please … Start!" The dim light began to fade. He reached for another match.
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My two concerns. 1. Some repetative words. ie: You used "snow" a lot. 2. White space. The paras were all the same size and blocked in. Makes it a harder read.
Aside from that, I think we really see your skills in this work. Very strong!