Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Year(s) (01/20/11)
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TITLE: No Worries | Previous Challenge Entry
By Brenda Rice
01/27/11 -
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“I’m Benjamin, your steward. I’m assigned to help you get settled in.”
Erick looks at his watch, and then he becomes agitated. “Oh good grief, I’m late! Shoulda been at work hours ago!”
“What does late mean?” ask Benjamin.
“What does late mean? Are you joking? Late means….well…it means….late. You know, you aren’t where you need to be, when you need to be there.”
“You can’t be late here. We have no measure for late. Everything just happens as it should, and when it should. No worries.”
“No worries? I do like the sound of that. I just don’t quite understand how it works.”
“I didn’t get your name,” inquires Benjamin.
My name is Erick Mathews. You’re Benjamin, right?”
Benjamin only nods, because he is distracted by Erick as he rummages through his pockets looking for something.
“Well, I can’t seem to find my cell phone. Can you get me a new one, asap?”
“Cell phone? Is that like late? And what is asap? You are full of words that I’ve never heard.”
“This is some kind of joke isn’t it? Am I on that television show where cameras are hidden, and people play tricks on you?”
“I’m sorry Erick, but I really don’t understand your language. I’ve never heard of television or cameras.”
Clouds roll in filling the space where the two are standing. The cool refreshing mist calms Erick. In the distance, he hears beautiful music with voices singing the most mesmerizing melody.
“Would you like to see the orchestra and choir as they practice?”
“How far is it?”
“Nothing here is far. Come with me.” said Benjamin.
Without effort or the sensation of movement, the two men appear in a large, cavernous opening where thousands are playing unusual looking instruments, and a magnificent choir is singing.
Erick is dumbfounded by their mode of transportation. “How’d you do that?”
“You wanted to be here, so we came. It only takes a thought to move yourself to where you want to be.”
“This is too much! What…is this place? How long have I been here?”
“You chose to come here. Have you forgotten? One day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day, in this place. Some call this home, some call it the City of Gold, still others call it Beulah Land.
The music and singing intensify sweeping over Erick like a wave of joy. Peace follows in a second wave. His questions become insignificant. He is caught up in the glory of something or someone. Erick looks around for a source of the power he is feeling. High above on a portico overlooking the orchestra and choir, he sees the One from whom the glory is flowing.
“So I’m in heaven, right? That means I died, right? Heart attack?”
“Let me show you to your high rise dwelling place. Your questions are not my department. Please come with me,” urged Benjamin.
This time a cloud floats by, and without any effort the two are on it. Floating along Erick can see building after building just hovering in the massive clouds. “Wow, this is amazing!”
“I’m glad you like the way we travel, but you still have lots to see and learn. Most High, Himself will join you for dinner tonight. You may ask Him all your questions. He will understand your language.”
As Erick waits for Benjamin to return, and escort him to his dinner with the Most High; he tries to gather his thoughts, but they elude him. They are like a dream that he knows he had, but can’t remember.
“One day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day,” Erick says aloud. I don’t even know if I died yesterday. It could have been a thousand years ago. I don’t even miss my family, let alone my job. I’m happy in a way I’ve never known. No, it’s more than happiness, it’s completeness, fulfillment, and total contentment.”
Benjamin’s right, I’ve got a lot to learn about living this way. But I’m going to enjoy every minute of learning it. No worries.”
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so original and relevant goes on my top list
Some things you could do the make it better are leave out where you tell the reader what you already showed. For example your words showed he was agitated I you didn't need to add that. The same goes for words like inquired.Also double check your punctuation. There were spots when you left out quotation marks and others when you didn't need it. Also eclipses are only three dots. It seems nitpicky, but those little things can help a good story be great.
You had a fresh idea for the topic and that was nice. I also liked the way the me used casual dialog, it made it seem real. It's also nice to see what others think heaven will be like. You've got a great start! Keep writing!.
Since you asked for suggestions, I saw a few places where you could have "shown" an emotion instead of telling us about it (became agitated, was dumbfounded).
I enjoyed this story. Thanks for sharing it and I look forward to reading more of your stories!