Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: NEIGHBOR (06/01/17)
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TITLE: Sea of Water | Previous Challenge Entry
By Robert Rutaagi
06/06/17 -
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In 1995, I traveled to United Kingdom to attend an interview with an International Non-governmental organization. I was accompanied by my wife. The interview went on quite well though I did not get the job. Before and after the interview we toured some parts of London and Scotland and visited some friends and relatives who live and work there. We also did some good shopping.
After one week of rest and leisure, we returned home which we were already missing. The children were all in boarding schools. Everything went well until we reached home. As soon as the housekeeper opened the gate, all we saw was a small sea of water!
“What is this?” my wife screamed involuntarily.
“It is rain water,” the housekeeper timidly explained.
Almost in tears, we removed the shoes and waded through the water up to the main door. On opening the door, we found that the whole house was flooded! For the whole day, we were de-flooding the house of the water and cleaning off the dirty soil from the floor, chairs, wall-skirts and dust from windows. Since we could not do it alone with the housekeeper, we were compelled to hire some more boys to ease the mammoth task.
For the compound we could not do much. Though the water level had subsided somewhat over some days, there was still too much water in front, right, left of and behind the whole house.
It all happened like this: Two days after our departure, it started raining heavily for most of the days and nights. A lot of rain water from the road above our house flowed to our compound through the main gate and joined storm water from the roof of our house and the boys’ quarters. Some water came from the perimeter wall. The rest came from the sky. That was enough water from our compound through two outlets leading to our neighbor below our house.
According to mutual arrangement with the original landlord/neighbor, storm water from our end would flow through a channel to outside his compound to the main road channel system. That worked well for many years.
My neighbor sold his house to a new landlord whom we did not know. When it rained and a lot of water flowed to his compound, he immediately hated the idea. He blocked the two outlets within the wall separating our houses with the hardest cement and stones he could find on the market. That did it. That was cause of the flood of rain and storm water we saw upon our return from UK.
Frantically, I reported the matter to the community and local leaders, my lawyer, City Council officials and National Environmental Authority. My lawyer did what all lawyers do – initiating a legal process which would take years. For the rest, my neighbor had done his homework well – in my absence. He was a rich tycoon, with military background, politician and born in the area. I was not any of this. This eroded my support.
We decided to leave the matter to God. Gradually the water drained away naturally through the soil, some trickled through the walls and some evaporated. Rains, too, had stopped.
One morning I received a call. “My name is Caleb. I am your new neighbor. I have just bought that house below you. Can we meet to discuss how to reconstruct the new wall between us and how to manage storm water?”
“Yes, I am available this evening. Let us meet on site,” I quickly replied. We met and permanently solved the problem.
I was not yet a believer then. I thought Captain Ras, the former landlord, was a rascal. Caleb, the new neighbor, was a good man and superb manager. For me, sometimes, I was unlucky and, sometimes, very lucky. Now I believe that this was a divine miracle and, indeed, God meets the desires of our hearts according to His love, grace, mercy and will.
NON-FICTION [only names changed for privacy protection reasons]
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Although your opening is nice and ingrained in your memory as important, it's not really an integral part of the story for the reader. It's so important, especially with true stories, to have a neutral party help you snip away things that don't move the story along. Here's a really quick example of how I might suggest to edit this:
My wife and I had returned from a lovely trip only to discover a natural disaster (with the help of a cranky neighbor) had flooded our home.
After entering the house, water swirled around our ankles.
Tears filled my wife's eyes and threatened to add to the water roiling about our feet. She screamed, "What happened?
Dazed, I slapped my hand on my forehead and groaned when the housekeeper replied,"It's rainwater." She backed against the wall and shrugged her shoulders. "Brace yourself, it's throughout the whole house."
I hugged my wife and whispered, "Thank God the kids are safe at school and don't have to see this mess."
Nodding, my wife (use her name to make it more personal) squeezed my hand. "I don't understand why the channels didn't prevent this." She covered her mouth. "Do you think the new landlord blocked the outlets?"
Of course, I realize these are my words, but I wanted to show you don't need to tell the reader about why you went to London, how the interview went, or what you did. Instead, jump right in. I also tried to show how body language and dialog can move the story forward. Also, instead of explaining the back story, I tried to show how to use dialog in creative nonfiction to fill in the history.
You really have a thrilling story here. The only real mistake is you added details that are important to telling the story, but aren't needed when writing it. You're a great storyteller, and with just a few adjustments, you'll be an excellent writer. Read and comment on as many entries as possible to get a take on other styles and then combine what works for you and make it your own. The best way to do that is to leave as many constructive comments as possible. And, of course, keep writing!
Blessings~
I have made it a habit to read and reread my writing out loud before I submit. Take out words or sentence and reread it again. I think that would help to find the unnecessary details.
Nicely written! Keep writing and God bless!