Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: NEIGHBOR (06/01/17)
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TITLE: Stealing Ms. Smiths' grapes | Previous Challenge Entry
By Betty Overstreet
06/05/17 -
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Do you have any idea what it may be like to grow up in a neighborhood where most folks have very little money and seldom experience the niceties that other families take for granted? Have you always had everything in your home that your mama might need to make life better?
Come with me, for a walk down the lane of necessities only. It will just be a short walk, the street isn't very long.
We moved to logging camp town in Oregon, many years ago. A mile or so away from the center of town there was a row of one-room cabins, for the people in town who couldn't find a house when first arriving for a job at the lumber mill. If you had a large family you could rent two of the cabins so as not to be so terribly crowded.
Mama could always make a home for us and we never felt poor. She would always start planting flowers around the front door to welcome us the minute we arrived home from school.
I was an adventurous child, so I always checked out the new neighborhood when we moved from one place to another. After my sisters and I helped Mama get all our belongings settled into the house, she would tell us to get on outside and have some fun. Mama was wonderful that way. she always wanted us to have fun.
As soon as we were told to get on out, I walked outside, looked from one end of the street to the other and took off toward what looked like a meadow--and what was that little shed looking thing over there?
I began running through the meadow and soon discovered what I had seen was a grape arbor! Oh my, those grapes were so sweet--and then--I heard a voice shouting, "You little heathen, what do you think you're doing, stealing my grapes!" How do you think I can make any jelly if you gobble them all up?"
" I am so sorry lady, I just saw them and they looked so good and were just calling to me! I never thought about it being stealing. My mama will spank my bottom when she hears about it, cause she always tells me to never steal anything. Maybe you could let me have a job to pay for the ones I ate?
"Well, child, see'ns how you seem to be a good girl and if you don't mind working to pay for them, how about if I bring a bucket and you can pick enough for a batch of jelly?"
" I'd be so happy to do that and then I wouldn't be a thief, right?" I replied.
I took that bucket and would you believe, I had it full in "2 shakes of a cows tail". The neighbor lady, she told me I could call her Miz Smith, was amazed at how fast I filled it up and asked if I would like to come back the next day and pick another bucket full of grapes for her to make some more Jelly.
The next morning after mama fixed our breakfast, I said, "Mama, I have to go to work now. Ms. Smith wants me to come pick some more grapes for her." Mama was really surprised that I had a real job and told me to tell Ms. Smith that she was happy that I could help her.
When I got over to the grape vines Ms Smith was there with two buckets and we worked together and she talked real nice to me just like I as her best friend. When we were all finished she invited me into her house and made me a fried baloney sandwich and gave me a big glass of milk to drink. Then she handed me a jar of the jelly and a bag of the sweet, fresh grapes we had just picked together! She told me to come back when I needed more grapes and she would give me some more jelly for my mama!
I discovered that sometimes neighbors can be really good friends, even to a poor little girl like me ,who lived in a one room cabin.
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I enjoyed it very much. You some silly mistakes of leaving a word out "a" in " We moved to logging camp town in.."
These little mishaps take away from the flow of the reading. Just reread your work many times to correct that. Let it sit for a day and then go back and reread it many more times.
One other tip is that the dialogue of the little girl didn't seem to me to her age level, especially if she was a poor child.
I really liked the story and assume it was a non-fiction. You brought back some cherished memories. God bless
Your beginning might turn off many people though, and that would be a shame because you tell a good story. The first two paragraphs scream, "Get ready for a lesson!" Most people don't want to feel like the author is preaching at them, especially kids. With some tweaking, this could be an awesome kids' story.
I'd urge you to start with a good hook. Maybe something like: We'd just moved into a logging camp, and Mama rewarded my helpin' by lettin' me go explorin'. At first, dust tickled my throat, but soon I discovered a meadow with bright purple blobs pokin' outta the brush. Grapes! I grabbed a handful and shoved 'em in my mouth. I a'most choked when some lady shaking a broom shouted, "Stop, you little heathen! Whatcha ya doing stealing my grapes?"
I was so'fraid, I a'most peed my britches. Turning around, I tried to swipe the juice drippin' down my chin. "Sorry, lady, I just, ah I just... Well they looked so good; it's like they's callin' my name. Please don't tattle on me. Mama'll whip me fer sure. How's 'bout we make a deal? If I pick' em all fer ya, then it won't be stealin', right? It'll be like a job. I can pay fer the ones I ate. Okay, lady?"
I took a lot of liberties, not just to show you how to start with the conflict right away, but also to show how dialog fitting a poor child who moved a lot in that era can change the whole feel of the story. I chose to use an example from a child POV vs an adult remembering to make it feel less like a lesson. It also is better for a kids' story.
I know it must feel like a huge critique, but since this is my favorite genre to read and write, I see incredible potential in this. If you'd like to rework it just for kids say age 6 to 10 (give or take), it would be great for a Sunday school take-home sheet or even a kids'devotion. You have a wonderful foundation. You could add a Bible verse (maybe not the typical good neighbor one, but one that isn't used as much), add a prayer, and some activities or questions. I bet you could do a whole book of stories like this.
I'd be willing to help you get started if you're interested. I really enjoyed this, and with more of your voice and less of mine, I think it has some great possibilities. I feel God calling you to explore writing for kids. You certainly have the passion.
Wonderful entry.
Blessings~
I remember as a little girl living in front of a wooded area where we would often go into and pick wild blackberries and raspberries. It was awesome!
And your mention of "a fried baloney sandwich..." My dad always called that hillbilly steak and just the mention of the name brings back the smell of it frying in the kitchen as I grew up.
There is a lot of good advice here to improve on an excellent start so let me just encourage you to keep writing and God bless!