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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Joy (05/18/06)
Riley sat down slowly with the phone clutched in her hand. "I have to call him..." she thought to herself. So she just picked up the phone and dialed ... "Harley! I wanted to call you the other day." She said excitedly. "Oh?" He questioned, "Yes, I was wondering how Jacqueline is doing" she asked him trying to avoid what she really wanted to tell him. "Riley, what is the point of this?" he wanted to know. "Ok. Janice knows...and she wants to see her sister." Riley told her ex-husband. "No Riley, No! I won't hear of it." Harley told her and then hung up. She knew he wouldn't let them get together...she just knew. Lord, give me strength. She prayed.

She was about to leave when the phone rang. "Hello?" She answered it. "Hello is this Ms. Riley Black?" asked the elderly sounding man "Yes." she gave a simple answer "Hello Ms. Black, this is Dr. Smith... You need to come to the hospital right away. Your daughter has gotten worse." He simply said. She hung up the phone, ran out the door and drove to the hospital.

As Riley walked into the hospital she saw people everywhere, it looked like a maze that she had to weave in and out of that group and this group...then that hospital smell caught her, she hated the hospital smell...that smell that makes you think they are trying to hide the smell of disease, but its there, she could smell it. Then she heard a familiar voice "Ms. Black...Ms. Black?" Her surroundings engulfed her like a wildfire on a hot day in California. She started to shake, she thought something was wrong, but she soon realized a person was shaking her. "Huh? Yes. Can I help you?" She asked the Doctor. "Yes, I'm Dr. Smith; I was the one that called you." He said. "Yes, what is wrong with my daughter?" she asked the kind Doctor. Dr. Smith put his hand on Riley's back to guide her away from the crowds, as if to keep what he had to say in privacy. "Your daughter is very sick, as you know...she needs a bone marrow match...and we have yet to find one." He told her. "The best match would be her sister...Jacqueline." She told the Doctor. "Great. Can you get her here..." "No...Its complicated." she interrupted. "Well complicated or not Ms. Black, your daughter needs a miracle..." Riley just nodded her head at the doctor..."What am I going to do, Lord? There is no way Harley will let Jacqueline come down here to be tested." She prayed out loud. In time my child, he will see.

Riley went to Harley's house to persuade him...when she knocked on the door thoughts flooded through her mind "What if he says no. What if doesn't care...but he has to care...doesn't he?" just then the door flew open. "I don't believe this!" Harley laughed out. "Now you’re stalking me?" he questioned Riley. "No...Listen Harley, I lied before on the phone...Janice doesn't know about Jacqueline...she is as clue less as Jacqueline." She told him "Then what do you want?" Harley asked. Riley looked to the ground and sighed..."Janice is sick...she has Leukemia and needs bone marrow, but no one is a match...her best chance is Jacqueline." Harley looked deep into Riley's eyes and knew she was telling the truth. "I will get Jacqueline and bring her to the hospital" He said grabbing his coat and keys. "Thank you Lord." she said out loud.

She followed Harley to the hospital and the tests were done right away...and then Riley and Harley introduced Jacqueline to Janice. "Janice, there is someone we want you to meet." she told her daughter as she ushered Jacqueline in the door she said "This is your twin sister...Jacqueline." Jacqueline got up onto Janice's bed and they immediately bonded. Then the doctor came in with his hands in the air "Victory! They are a match!" he exclaimed. Everyone was excited and happy, and Riley was shedding her own tears of Joy.
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This article has been read 1552 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Lynda Schultz 
05/25/06
I would have liked to know how it was that the twins didn't know each other. And the elipsis … means words left out — which isn't what you meant, I'm sure. But this was a joyful victory nicely portrayed. Keep it up.
Rita Garcia
05/26/06
A real triumph of joy! With some tightening and polishing this will be a great story. Keep writing!! You have a great style.
Jessica Schmit
05/27/06
That's definately something to be joyful about! Great storyline, but here are a few tips. When you write dialogue, begin a new paragraph each time a different person is talking. Also, skip the ... They can get distracting. But you have very good storytelling potential, keep writing, keep practicing and you'll do great!

Love,
Jess
Jan Ackerson
05/28/06
Your plotting is very good, and the story was a great choice for joy. A few tweaks here and there will bring the quality of your writing up a notch--mostly things that will come with practice. Thanks for this entry!
Tiffanie Chezum
05/29/06
Very nice. Good plot. Like others have said, a little tweeking, a little practice. Keep it up.
Edy T Johnson
05/29/06
You have a powerful story, which has something of a breathless feel to it, as if you have so much to tell, you cannot say it all fast enough. Now that you have your creative flow down in words, I would recommend a slower-paced rewrite, taking time to read aloud (or have a friend read it aloud to you) so you can spot areas where your reader might get lost trying to keep up with the story. Including missing pieces of the puzzle would also help your reader. God bless your writing!
Dr. Sharon Schuetz
05/30/06
This was a good story. I can't add anything except to say ditto on the dialogue and some of the other small things. You have it, keep it up. Good job.
Anita Neuman
05/30/06
Great plot! I'd love to read the extended version.

You have an exuberant personality! It comes across on the boards (delightfully, I must say) and it comes across here, too. Although here, it makes the story feel rushed. You need to breathe a bit in your writing. I don't mean that to sound harsh or critical - you truly do have a wonderful storyteller's voice and you are brilliantly creative. Just allow for a few more pauses (ie. break up the paragraphs a bit more) and let the pace relax just a bit.

Keep working at it, because you've got what it takes!
Rachel Rudd
05/30/06
I liked the idea of the twins not knowing each other. How did the parents keep them apart? What caused them to decide to do that? You have a good story here and like the others said, "just some tweaking needs to be done." God bless!