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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: SEA CHANGE or TREE CHANGE (07/13/17)
“Sea change?” Jan asked with a quizzical look on her face. “Yes!” exclaimed Bill, “I’ve had it with the rat race, no one ever says ‘Hi’ to you in this city, unless they want something from you!” Jan just stood there, studying Bill’s face, looking for any sign that Bill was joking. Bill was known to tell a joke a time or two, but his dry sense of humor made it difficult to discern if he was being serious or not. With his keen sense of Jan’s emotional state—a useful tool Bill had developed through years of learning about his wife. Although, on rare occasions, Jan threw Bill a curve ball by responding opposite from the emotion that he had discerned—Bill could see that Jan was not sold on the idea. “I just read in the newspaper this morning about another robbery that took place just two blocks away!” said Bill with a concerned tone, “That’s the third one this week within a mile of our apartment, and its only Thursday! At this point, Jan knew Bill was serious about the idea. “Why haven’t you discussed it with me before? Asked Jan. Before Bill could respond Jan continued, “You’ve never given me even a slightest hint that you were thinking about moving!” The thought of taking up roots and relocating caused fear and anxiety for Jan. Bill’s abruptness in proposing the idea was too sudden for Jan’s mind to even begin to ponder, her instant reaction was resistance. “We haven’t even prayed about it!” Jan exclaimed, “Don’t you think we should pray about it for a while?” asked Jan in hopes that it would put the idea on the back burner, giving her time to mount an attack in opposition, one which Bill would not be able to rebut. Bill took a moment to think through his response, then replied with a lower, slower tone, the tone he would often use when he wanted Jan to think he really loved and cared for her, “Look Jan, I know this is sudden and I don’t want to upset you with the idea, it’s not like we are going to move today. I am only thinking about what’s best for our family’s safety. I want to make sure that you and the kids are safe when I’m at work.” Jan release some of her tension, being eased by Bill’s smooth talking. “I know you want us to be safe Bill, but the idea of moving away from our friends and leaving our church family just doesn’t set right with me.” Jan looked at Bill, her eyes pleading for his understanding, “Let’s meet with Pastor Jim to see what he thinks.” Bill was reluctant, but slightly shook his head in agreement. “I have to leave for work or I’m going to be late,” Bill said as he reached his arms around Jan, embracing her in a loving hug. “Please pray about it,” he whispered in her ear. “I love you and I’ll see you after work.” Jan watched as Bill exited the front door toward the parking garage of their apartment building. After locking the door, she stared at the floor for a lengthy period, thinking through the implications of Bill’s proposal. Jan was suddenly aroused from her thoughts by tiny little feet scurrying across the floor. Little Billy was awake, she must attend to her motherly duties. Before turning to Billy, she prayed in a whisper, “Lord, give me wisdom! In Jesus name, Amen.”



Later that night, everything continued as normal with the Hawking family. Jan was near finished with cleaning the kitchen after dinner and Bill was playing with little Billy and Leah on the living room floor. Bill had turned the Television to the local news station, half paying attention to latest headlines. “There has been a recent increase in robberies in the Fillmore district. Police are looking for suspects,” Bill perked up and gave undivided attention to the screen as he heard these words from the reporter. “There appears to be a gang focused on Fillmore area who have been targeting people walking alone. They are dressed in black hoodies and rob their victims at gun point,” continued the reporter. Jan had stepped out of the kitchen and was intently listening to the report as well. Bill looked at Jan for a response. They both gazed at each other for a spell. Then Bill, with finality in his voice, exclaimed, “Sea Change!” ¬¬¬¬
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This article has been read 377 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
C D Swanson 
07/20/17
Nice job with the topic!
Blessings~
Noel Mitaxa 
07/20/17
Lively dialogue between the two, with good characterising, that's hidden within large masses of material.
Each new thought in a story needs a fresh paragraph, a rule which also applies to exchanges in a conversation. This will help your readers to move back and forth with you between your characters and to enjoy your writing even more.
Jenny Fulton 
07/21/17
Good job with some interesting dialogue and the inner thoughts of the main character.

In a short story such as this, try to keep to one point of view instead of switching back and forth between the minds of two characters. Jan has a great lesson on this in the forum. Check out the writing lessons from Ann and Jan.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
07/21/17
This is a great story and really is on target topicwise as well as having a great message. I especially enjoyed the strong relationship between the couple. I could feel the love and respect.

You had what is called POV shifts. The reader should only know what what the MC sees, thinks, hears, and feels. You popped into both characters' heads. By focusing on just one, you're able to do more showing and less telling. For example, I might suggest editing like this:
Jan scrunched up her face as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "Sea change?"
Her husband Bill put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her tight against his body. “Yes! I’ve had it with the rat race; no one ever speaks to us--unless they want something.”
Squirming loose from Bill's grip, Jan studied his face.
When Bill wiggled his ears and raised his right eyebrow, Jan threw her hands up. "I never know when you're joking or being serious."

That's just a quick example to show you ways to use body language to express emotions. It helps paint more of a picture for the reader too. Also notice the punctuation and new paragraphs when someone different speaks.

I think your message is a great one. I liked that they prayed about it and even though Bill was a strong leader, he didn't just take control but was concerned about his wife's needs and feelings. You also have a nice subtle sense of humor. The more you write, the stronger you will become. I truly look forward to reading more of your work. You definitely touched my heart with your words.
Success Olaleye
07/21/17
I love the story line and the way you made Jan see reasons herself.
Interestingly, I must say it's on topic. Maybe I'm a bit off, but then I guess we're not supposed to make mention of the topic word.

Red Ink: Spacing the paragraphs or each new line of thoughts would bring out the beauty in your work, and allow readers flow easily.
Switching POV's has been addressed as well. There's a lesson that talks about writing in different POV's and persons.

In all, it's such a nice story.
Tells us about not imposing our decisions on others as well as seeing from other's POV.
Shalom!
Love..... Success.
Phillip Cimei
07/21/17
I had to laugh. That story was me all over. Being married so many years gives you the edge in thinking you can manipulate or persuade your spouse.

I enjoyed seeing how it played out.

You have received some great red ink. Take it to heart. Just a simple space between paragraphs would have made this so easier to read. I have to have white space or my eyes cross.

There were several instances when showing and not telling would have captured the readers interest better than just using passive words.

You nailed the topic, but remember not to use the topic in your writing if possible.

One more small tip I learned from the book "Techniques of the Selling Writer". Lead into the dialogue with the emotion of the person doing the dialogue. Some feel it is not good to start with the dialogue.

Your very first sentence could have begun with her emotional state and then coming out with her question. H


I will enjoy looking for your future wriitngs. God bless.
Larry Whittington
07/22/17
Separate each person's conversation in a new paragraph as this helps the readers to catch the change of person doing the talking.

The conversation builds as each person adds another line.

You have good teaching points in this: both prayer and gaining insight from others.

Keep up with the good ideas you have.