Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: LUST (all-consuming desire; excessive craving) (01/08/15)
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TITLE: Left of Me | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kristine Baker
01/10/15 -
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Picture what I saw: the left side of my head was bald; I am missing my right eye, left ear, both hands, and my left foot. I thought, “What a horrible Photoshop joke played by the photographer.” So I contacted the photographer and she assured me she did not Photoshop any of my pictures.
What is going on here? I set out to research this situation and found the answer in the Bible. Mark 9:47 (NIV) enlightened me,
"And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell."
I was born with very straight hair and I lusted after the beauty of wavier hair. While surfing the internet, I am ashamed to admit that I lusted after handsome looking men. I was minus an ear because I lusted after more and more gossip. I lusted after wealth and hid my hands in my pockets instead of giving money, clothing, or food to the poor. I lusted after my own life path; therefore, I am missing my left foot.
When I realized I had been lusting after things of this world I fell to my knees and confessed my sins to God, and this is what is left of me.
The photographer’s pictures were not enhanced through Photoshop. According to the world’s standards, I am distorted. But God sees me as worthy to enter the kingdom.
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Great job in your approach and delivery.
God bless~
The one thing I might encourage you to do is add what we call more showing and less telling. It's a lifelong process for sure and different people have different opinions of the level of showing that is needed. Little things like rearranging some sentence structures can make the read have hills and valleys too. Personally, I like using body language and dialog, and to show you what I mean, I'll give you an example of one way I might show, not tell this story:
Balling my fingers into a fist and I slammed it into my open hand and snorted, blowing bits of snot over the horrid-looking, distorted photos. The left side of my head was bald; I was missing my right eye, left ear, both hands, and my left foot. What a horrible joke! I can't wait to give her a piece of my mind. I punched the digits into my cell; I could feel the anger burning my cheeks. Barely waiting to hear her greeting, I started my tirade. "How dare you photoshop my pictures? You may think it's funny, but I'm beyond offended."
Even though I screamed at her, she answered in a calm voice. "I'm sorry you're not happy with my work. I assure you that I wasn't pranking you, but sometimes the camera has a mind of its own. Often it seems like it captures a persin' s soul, much like I believe God sees through us."
I know I took some additional liberties, but I wanted to show you how body language can enhance the personality and emotional state of the MC. By putting thoughts in italics, it shows the reader what's going on inside the MC's head while dialog can move the story along without needing to repeat things.
Again though, I want to stress that I truly believe this is a brilliant piece. You started off with a great beginning. I was eager to read more. Your message comes through loud and clear without being overly preachy. The ending ties up everything neatly. You definitely nailed the topic and did so in a fresh, out-of-the-box way. Kudos on a great piece.