Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Clothes (11/02/12)
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TITLE: Finding Peace | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jenna Fowls
11/08/12 -
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Half-an-hour later, Raquel found herself in a hospital parking lot. Tasha led the way inside and took them to a room a few floors up. There, lying on the bed was a little girl. “This is my niece, Erika,†said Tasha. Raquel needed no more prompting. She walked over to the little girl and introduced herself. “I brought a present for you,†and she reached into her shopping bag. The little girl’s eyes lit up and she gasped with joy as the light mass of swirls and sheen was placed before her. She reached out her little hands immediately for the dress and as Raquel gave it to her, tears began again to stream down her face-but this time was different. A smile came across her face as she recognized this relief. She had finally found peace.
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You may want to break your stories into short paragraphs with double spacing between them as to give the reader that all important white space. Also if you copy and paste your story onto the submission form instead of attaching it, you may be able to get rid of the weird symbols. (Don't worry though, the judges are familiar with this glitch and it won't count against you.) Try hitting the preview button before you hit submit because it will show you the way your story will look to the reader and give you a chance to fix things.
I think you did an outstanding job of writing on topic while still creating an interesting story. The message is great. I really like the not dwelling on the past but move forward part. That is something I need to be reminded of quite often. I also think you did a grand job with the ending.(Though I did think the niece was a newborn and that's why she was in the hospital then I realized she must be older to smile and reach out for the dress) This is one of my favorites this week. :) Keep writing you have some awesome storytelling talent in you.