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Topic: Betrayal (02/16/04)
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TITLE: Death Would Not Feel This Bad By David Dawson 02/18/04 |
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I remember making the statement, "death would not feel this bad." As I look back, 13 years now, I still believe that to be true. The thought of it continues to cross my mind almost every day, although I have 'forgiven' her and we have moved forward with our life together. Forgiving someone, as in removing the penalty and not holding it against them, does not completely heal the pain of betrayal. The pain is an issue that I have struggled with, and will continue to struggle with. The saying goes, "Time will heal all wounds," but I'm not convinced that is accurate. It may sooth all wounds, but 'heal!?' I'm not so sure.
After six years of marriage, when my wife betrayed me through an adulterous affair, my entire world ceased to exist. I never knew a human could feel such pain. I had prayed for this woman and still felt confident that she was the answer to my prayers. I had never touched another woman sexually except her. The word 'betrayal' was not strong enough to describe my emotions. I find it difficult to describe even now. As the reality of her deeds began to sink in, she told me that she thought that I would be able to handle things much better if she would have died instead. That's where my statement came from - "Death would not feel this bad."
Death, although excruciatingly painful, is expected. Betrayal is not. Death is not a choice, except in the case of suicide or murder, which brutally hastens death sooner than expected. Betrayal is a choice. Death, even suicide, is not as personal to the innocent. Betrayal completely disregards the innocent. I know that many who have lost children to death, would trade places with me without qualification, but I have been fortunate to have escaped that pain. I only have my own experiences to rely upon, and those experiences have taught me that betrayal can kill in its own way.
So why am I speaking on this? Am I refusing to let go of the pain from my past? I don't think so. I pray continually for healing from the pain, and God has helped me progress significantly. The emotions that I have described are not constant, and the intensity is nowhere near the level it was initially. By addressing my experience with betrayal, I hope to encourage others who are similarly situated, to process the pain and not stuff it. Early on, some individuals encouraged me to ignore the pain. They equated it with a refusal to forgive. I have learned that forgiveness is a must because it is commanded by God, but I have also learned that recognizing the pain does not diminish the forgiveness given. Most of us do not have the capacity to forgive such pain in ourselves. It must be a choice, based upon obedience to God, through the strength of His Holy Sprit, and not based upon our feelings. The feelings will follow.
It is my belief that ignoring the pain will result in a delay of your feelings of forgiveness. A recognition of the pain progresses like this: 1. You have caused me unspeakable pain, but I chose to forgive you, although I don't feel like it; 2. I know that forgiveness is the better way to respond, although I still hurt; 3. I can see that forgiveness has helped me as much as it has you, although I wish this would not have happened; and, 4. I'm glad I forgave you because I love you, and I want to move away from the pain for both of us. Ignoring the pain of betrayal leaves us at steps one or two. We may be striving our best to be obedient to God, but we can't move to steps three and four because we haven't processed the pain.
Although processing the pain of betrayal will not make it go away completely, it will help you to manage it in a healthy way, and in a way that will allow you to have the 'feeling' of forgiveness along with your 'commitment' of forgiveness. A feeling much better than the feeling of betrayal - or Death.