Previous Challenge Entry
Topic: Pride (04/12/04)
TITLE: Prides Equations By Anna Johnson 04/16/04 |
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My reflection in the bathroom mirror scared me. My once bright, green eyes, now expressed emptiness from deep insecurities the Lord was revealing to me. Throughout three years of marital torture, I had disappeared into an angry man's pride and control. Yet, I was equally guilty, for I allowed it. I also was angry, yet I longed to communicate and to deal with our issues. He was a master of avoidance. He often screamed profanities, blamed me, and later, ignored me for days. When he was ready to pretend nothing had happened, he'd shout "Get over it, NOW" and dismiss my pain as he did his own. In retrospect, neither of us knew how to communicate, for our hearts had not yet communicated with the deep things of the Lord.
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Insecurity in Self + Fleshly Pride = Anger.
Security with Healthy Pride in the Lord + Humility = Joy.
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"Look at you," I sighed, peering into my darkened heart through the windows to my soul. "I'm 40, and look 50. I'm dog-tired, killing myself from appeasing yet another man who could care less. He's never wanted to meet my needs, and I'm dying inside. I've become an ugly shadow to a man whose own darkness has further damaged my soul. I've had enough. I'm going to speak my mind, and whatever happens next, Lord, is in Your hands. I know he will threaten divorce, but anything is better than this. Lord, I pray for a healthy pride where I no longer take abuse, or pine for love from a man who doesn't want me. I pray You give me courage to release what I have cowardly kept inside from years of emotional neglect."
I headed downstairs toward the kitchen, as mindless TV escape absorbed his attention nightly over communicating or attempting intimacy with me.
I stared at him from the kitchen. Again he was oblivious to me, and my anger rose and gave me needed courage as I demanded, "I want to talk."
He looked my way, eyeing me with disgust.
"You know," I strongly began, "I used to be crazy about you. But you have killed whatever love I had for you through your total insensitivity. You have abused me long enough. Just because you don't care to meet my needs, doesn't mean I shouldn't have any. And I'm sick and tired of you calling me selfish because I come to you with my needs. You don't love me, and never have. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't marry you. I'm thinking about divorcing you."
I continued on without interruption, and sadly with less than Biblical behavior.
He said nothing, yet disappeared upstairs for about an hour. When he came back down, with moist eyes and a blank look, he flatly stated, "I want a divorce."
I really didn't want a divorce, although I had considered it. I wanted to work through our problems, and to continue with joint counseling, yet he refused. The times we were in counseling, he focused on what I was doing wrong, claiming I wasn't submissive. He was right; I wasn't submissive to how he defined submission. Plus, he didn't think he had any issues. His insecurity and pride wouldn't allow him to admit any wrong.
A few months later, we separated, then divorced. I cried and mourned the loss of what I had hoped would be a marriage based on the Lord, prayer, and intimacy.
Looking back, I see more accurately my own pride and insecurities which wouldn't allow me to admit my wrongs either. We both had much to learn about the love of Jesus. Our marriage might have been different had we both dealt with internal issues we refused to scrutinize through the Word. Divorce is often an easy, yet prideful option to those who value pride above growth.
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This equation for success is the only acceptable pride:
Two Hearts Filled with Agape = Healthy Pride and Intimacy.