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TITLE: Learning Total Peace
By Jean Bremer
03/17/04

I have peace in my life. I go about my day doing chores, taking care of my family, reading and writing, helping to run our family farm, and when I make God important in my life, I spend time in the word during the day. My life is mellow and I just kind of float along during the day.

Then, it is time to pay the bills. I have no peace. I used to, when things were different. But now, I avoid the mail. I put off making my list of bills until the very last moment, which causes me even more uneasiness.

I married into a 4th generational dairy farm. Within the first 3 years of my marriage to my wonderful man, I was put in charge of the finances and checkbook. Bills were paid and it wasn’t difficult to get through sending out checks. We are just a small dairy farm in the United States and it becomes hard to make it financially, if you don’t grow or become a mega-farm. We were hoping to keep it small and functional for the family. Things became harder, price of milk went down to what it was in the 1970’s and feed prices continue to go up, along with fuel, repairs and many other farming and living expenses which always continue on the upside. We were hopeful in growing the farm and expanding to at least 100 milk cows. Plans were made and finances became available through loans.

For awhile, things were great. There was a little extra money and we felt like we had breathing room. Nothing is set in stone. Even the best wishes and plans sometimes just won’t work out. Our overhead was just too great. We eventually had to lay off all our help and it was just the 3 of us, (my husband, me and our son), running the farm, 7 days a week, milking twice a day along with all other farm chores and crops that needed to be done.

Then the day approached and we had to make the final decision on the death of this small family dairy farm. Some equipment was sold, the cows were sold and also a piece of family farm land to pay off some of the debts. This was a very hard and sad decision we had to make 3 ½ years ago.

I believe I had a nervous breakdown or stroke caused from stress. God has given me peace and has shown me that the farm and a piece of land is not the most important thing in this world. These are just temporary situations and are a small fraction of time in God’s picture. We are still upside down in our financial situation and are working through a new and different venture, a produce stand on this farm. My husband also brings in money through custom farming. Finances are extremely tight and the bills haven’t gone away yet. I do have peace, when I am not facing the reality of the bills in my face.

Our hopes right now are that we can hang in here for the next 3 – 5 years while the produce stand continues to grow. If it is God’s will for us to stay here working this farm, running the stand in hopes our children will be the 5th generation to take over the farm, HE will provide the necessary means and ways for us to stay here.

I am working on the total peace of God, as the bills come in and as the lists are made organizing who needs to be paid what amount and when. The uneasiness still creeps back into the pit of my stomach as this obligation needs to be taken care of. I pull up bible verses at times, pray, cry and write in hopes of getting through paying the bills. I even have a reprint of a painting of Jesus hugging someone. I imagine myself being hugged by Jesus as I look at this picture. The financial situation and bills are still there and I must face them for I don’t feel bankruptcy is the right thing to do.

Psalms 23:4a Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me. NIV

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