The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/03/23
You brought this well-known story to life!

I saw that the topic words were used, but how were they the focus of the story?

Keep on writing.
Very good story, well written for the most part. Very good thoughts for people to consider reading the story.
My problem is I already read a story like that. To make matters worse, I wrote a short story like that years ago. Neither of the stories I just read consider the after effects. How did she get people to listen to her when she was rejected by them? Was it significant that the disciples brought bread just as she leaves for town?
Think about stretching your story farther. Keep writing.
A great story. Thanks for sharing. Blessings
You did an excellent job of retelling this common story. You really brought it to life, and I liked the slightly more modern take on it. It made it more relatable as well as giving the characters names. You can use italics for thoughts, which will save you some words if you don't need to say she thought or mumbled to herself. Another way to save words is to hyphenate when two or more words are combined to make an adjective or adverb (ten-minute walk). I'd also urge you to show instead of tell more often. For example, I might suggest an edit like this:
Drawing closer to the well, she stopped suddenly and held her breath. She squinted at the figure ahead, and her heart raced when she realized a Jewish man blocked her path to the well.
This is a super quick example to show you what I mean by showing instead of telling. It's not perfect, nor is it more right than how you had it, but sometimes it helps to see what I mean with an example. Body language is a great way to show the MC's emotions.
I think you did a nice job of writing on topic while delivering an important Christian message. You took me back in time and I could almost feel the hot sun. Although I might have left off the last line, I liked the ending. I think it brought the story full-circle and leaves the reader wanting to learn more, which is an awesome thing to do in this type of an article.