Freckles, Cupcakes and So Much More | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Freckles, Cupcakes and So Much More | Previous Challenge Entry
By Helen Carr
01/15/15
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I couldn't tell what my doctor was thinking. He sat in his plush, leather office chair, clicking then typing, then clicking and typing some more. His eyes scanned the seemingly endless scroll of information on his large, Medi-Pro wide-screen monitor. He looked worried. Sincerely so. His smile, usually so big and full of life was gone; his brow furrowed as he mentally chewed over the information I had so calmly served him.

"I need to ask you, Janice, do you feel depressed or suicidal?"

"No."

"Janice...this is very - very - important. I need you to tell me in your own words, how do you feel?"

"For the very first time in so many years I have tasted life - and it is GOOD! I've lived in a half-awake, half-asleep state, and it was...like the Revelation church, neither hot nor cold, but luke warm; like every one of my senses was numb, anaethatised, not just to the bad, but to the good.

I knew I loved my family, but I rarely felt it. We've been married for nearly 12 years, but I've not been a good wife. As for the kids, well they've always been fed and washed, always had clean clothes to wear and been told "I love you." But it was out of a sense of duty, a bare minimum. I'd convince myself I'd "done my best," but what of trips to the park? picnics in the back yard? making cupcakes just because we could? Love, beyond a basic level, was beyond my ability, because I could barely love myself. How could I possibly love anyone else when I was so apathetic; barely alive in a haze that blinded me to anything beyond my own needs.

Now, it's like I've been shaken awake, roused to life. Every morning I rise with a spring in my step; I cannot describe just how good that feels, Doctor! I have a renewed purpose for life, and the lucidness to achieve it. I can actually do my housework without being totally overwhelmed, bursting into tears and sitting down with a cuppa because it's "all too hard." I am seeing mess that I've not 'seen' for years; things I've literally walked over for, I hate to say it, but years, I'm now dealing with. I'm alert and cohesive; I can think and make decisions, simple things like what to cook for dinner or making a shopping list.

Instead of longing for time alone, I am craving having my boys around. Yes, their messiness and questions and fights and constant eating all drive me crazy, but it's in the very best sense of the word. I hug them; I spend time with them, "just because!" I am focussed on them, aware of how tall our eldest boy is now, or the freckles on our middle boy's nose, or just how cheeky our youngest is becoming. I am thinking less of me, and so much more of them.

Instead of wishing my days away, I am finally living them, craving to be a part of this amazing life that God has given me. I have hope that things will be better; I've even been to church with the boys - on my own! Ha! The "old" me would've fallen apart at the thought of that!

Doctor, I am more alive today than I have ever been. And I don't ever want to go back to being so...apathetic, so un-addicted to life."

I stopped, for breath, and to pray.

Quitting the anti-depressant I'd been on for some 15 years was a big decision, a God decision, and one that was definitely not condoned by the medical fraternity; not "cold turkey" anyhow. I'd prayed for healing; running out of the prescription that night, well it was a leap of faith that I just had to take.

Clicking and typing, clicking and typing.

"So, Janice, do you believe that you have been healed?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I still take the other anti-depressants you prescribed me, but sometimes the emotion feels so raw it physically aches; I've cried more this past month than any other time in my life. But I do know that I've sipped from the cup of life - tasted God! He is so good, I cannot ever go back to the blandness of apathy, ever again."

*****

*This is non-fiction, however the author does not recommend going "cold turkey" from any medications! Sharing this is a testament to the graciousness of God, and how He can take the status-quo and turn it around to work for our good, in ways that we might never dream possible. IF you feel led to try alternatives in your situation, please consult your medical professional, (which, in hindsight, the author acknowledges might have been a better course of action!). Blessings.

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