Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Cup and Saucer (08/28/14)
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TITLE: No, I Don't Have A *twitch* Facial Tic. . .Why Do You *TWITCH* Ask? | Previous Challenge Entry
By Rachel Barrett
09/03/14 -
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7:00 a.m. Go to kitchen and sleepily prepare morning cup of tea. Peppermint today. Sit on couch blinking drowsily as it heats.
7:05 a.m. Small Brown Scuttling Object crosses floor and disappears under box. Realize eyeglasses are still in bedroom, so cannot discern precise identity of said Small Brown Scuttling Object.
Ponder Husband's farewell words. “I love you. I'll see you this evening.”
Nothing worrisome there.
“By the way, watch out – I just killed a scorpion in the kitchen.”
Fully Awake Mode activated.
7:06 a.m. Loud hissing fills the room. Retreat to vantage point on top of bookshelf to ponder this development. Realize that while Evil Ninja Scorpions don't usually hiss, teakettles do boil.
7:07 a.m. Pour tea. Whilst it cools, frantically text Husband at work to the tune of “I thought you KILLED that %#&@$*#!!” Pace floor nervously until Husband replies: “I did. But they usually come in pairs.”
Now he tells me. AFTER he marries me and takes me to the Chihuahuan Desert (read: Evil Ninja Scorpion heaven) to live happily ever after. Son, this is a deal-breaker.
7:25 a.m. Set out sticky traps. Start cold tea reheating and set out fresh mug and saucer.
7:30 a.m. Pour reheated tea to start cooling. Investigate source of violent commotion in laundry room, and rescue cat from sticky trap behind washing machine. He doesn't thank me.
7:40 a.m. Contemplate idea of curling up in fetal position underneath bedcovers all day. Discard idea, as countless Evil Ninja Scorpions are probably lying in wait in the sheets. Open refrigerator carefully, in case Scorpions await their chance to jump out from behind the milk jug, to get something for breakfast.
8:00 a.m. Detach cat from sticky trap under coffee table. Wonder why traps attract cats but not scorpions. Remember that these are no ordinary arachnids; these are Evil Ninja Scorpions.
8:15 a.m. Carefully empty out every cabinet dish by dish, searching. Peek under furniture, bug spray at the ready.
Wait. Bug spray might not disarm these fiends; must gather backup weaponry before proceeding with search.
10:00 a.m. Evil Ninja Scorpions' location undetermined. Contemplate idea of moving to Antarctica, where it is too cold for Evil Ninja Scorpions. Recall scientists left the Blob there in 1958, and scrap that idea.
10:06 a.m. Remind self not to scold Husband for leaving toilet seat up. Will now join the ranks of the Seat Lifters, as Evil Ninja Scorpions could be hiding anywhere.
10:09 a.m. Begin Operation Tea Reheating. Pour it out to cool to drinkable temperature. Step away to load backup weaponry with buckshot.
10:17 a.m. Return to find cat on counter, calmly lapping up cold, forgotten peppermint tea. Re-attach cat to sticky trap for disciplinary purposes. Collect fresh cup and saucer, and fill teakettle again.
10:22 a.m. Spy a Small Brown Scuttling Object in corner. Fling various articles of footwear at it. Discover that now-flattened Small Brown Scuttling Object was only a dust bunny wafting in breeze from air conditioner. This time.
10:23 a.m. Begin frenetic grid search of house. Evil Ninja Scorpions must be defeated.
11:38 a.m. Exhausted and disheveled from fruitless (Evil Ninja Scorpion-less) search. Next step must be taken. Contemplate Husband's possible reaction on coming home to a neatly dismantled house. Never mind. It's summer. We can sleep under the stars.
11:45 a.m. Husband arrives home for lunch. Inform him of morning spent battling Evil Ninja Scorpions.
11:53 a.m. Husband says I must calm down. Why not go have a nice, hot mug of tea? See, there's a cup and saucer all ready.
. . .
11:54 a.m. Contemplate attaching Husband to sticky trap for live bait. He should realize how difficult it is to balance mug of tea on saucer while perched on ridgepole of barn, bug spray in one hand and 20-gauge shotgun in the other.
Footnote: Story is absolute truth (almost). Have yet to find and dismember Evil Ninja Scorpions. Saga continues. . .
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Funny tale and entertaining for sure. Nicely done! I liked how you put the "topic " in at the last moment.
God bless~
You had me laughing out loud - the real kind not the "lol" kind - and that just doesn't happen to me very often.
These two, back-to-back entries had me laughing in particular:
0:17 a.m. Return to find cat on counter, calmly lapping up cold, forgotten peppermint tea. Re-attach cat to sticky trap for disciplinary purposes. Collect fresh cup and saucer, and fill teakettle again.
10:22 a.m. Spy a Small Brown Scuttling Object in corner. Fling various articles of footwear at it. Discover that now-flattened Small Brown Scuttling Object was only a dust bunny wafting in breeze from air conditioner. This time.
Those and the ongoing struggle to have a cup of hot tea are just a few of the absolutely perfect timing you exhibit in this comedic piece. Comedy is so hard to write, it takes such skill and total awareness of the comedic moment - that balancing point where the material is ripe for tipping the humorous into hilarity.
You've mastered it with this piece. Congratulations on a great job!
Somehow, I had a feeling you were responsible for this piece.
Too funny. Way too funny!
And am I ever glad the worst thing I have in my house is spiders...
Just one question - where were the goats and the chickens while this was happening? Or is that in the next story?
The title was a gem: a precursor to a considerable amount of post-cursing (under your breath, I imagine)
Loved it all the way through. I hope for your sake that the scorpion got so embarrassed at all this publicity that it committed insecticide.
Really a fabulous slapstick piece.
Loved the cat antics as I was completely able to visualize its curiosity/ misbehavior causing it to become stuck three times.
I used to scissor those lil bugers up while temporarily slowed down and snagged in the Berber carpet when we lived in the high desert.
Wing His Words