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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Chillax (04/03/14)
My heart slammed hard against my chest in rapid-fire thumps of fear. I have to leave the house. I have to leave the house. I have to leave the house.

I can’t leave. I don’t want to leave the house.

No!

My airways uncoiled just enough for a deep breath to emerge. I held onto it as a mother clutches her newborn babe, then let it dribble out of my lungs.

I do want to leave the house.

I have to leave. I have to leave. I have to leave.

My quaking hand reached for the door—the tremors visible from across town I’m sure. I can do this. I can do this. I can leave the house like a normal person.

The frigid steel doorknob felt warm compared to the arctic fear within me. The icy sweat I was emitting oozed onto the metal as my knuckles turned winter white from the vise grip. Just turn it. You’re so close to leaving. You can do this.

My right hand moved timidly; each fraction of a turn causing a scant breath to escape my clenched lips. Keep going. You can do this.

Okay. You’re close. The knob is turned. You just need to open the door. Just open the door. Pull the door towards you.

The cold air lunged at my face like a wolf attacking its prey and I panicked, driving the door closed.

Dangit!

The process began again. The motivating self-talk. The reluctant turning of the knob. The tugging at the door. Finally I had it open. A car’s faint rumble whispered encouragement from the street—beckoning me outside.

Standing frozen in the doorway, the challenge to leave was paralyzing again. Why can’t I just go outside? No one else has this problem. What’s wrong with me? A couple strolled down the sidewalk and I wanted to punch them. They have no idea how hard this is and yet there they are—flaunting it. It’s so easy for them. Why isn’t it easy for me?

Just take the step.

One leery foot slid across the floor onto the concrete outside my door. The ground of the outside world felt sturdy. Though still fragile and unstable, I willed my body to be as solid as the cement beneath me. Okay. One more step. With my hand cramping from its rigid clamp on the doorknob, I took the second step.

Outside. I’m outside.

Sing-song warbles of birds rang in my ears. The overpowering sickly sweet smell of the bakery down the street violated my nose. I stood firm against the wind striking my limbs.

Now close the door. Do it quickly. Take out your frustration on the door. You hate how hard this is. You wish you could just be normal. Be angry. Use that anger and close the door.

Thud!

I did it. I longed to feel elated for what I had accomplished, but I wasn’t done yet.

The minutes ticked by as I labored to lock the door and go to my appointment. The pep talks continued. The brutal inner voices attacking my weakness continued. The progress, though slow, continued.

Three hours after I started the jeopardous journey to leave my home, I arrived at the office. The sign on the door read “Chillax Therapy: Helping the Anxious Find Peace.”

“Hi Mandy.” The receptionist greeted me with a kind smile. My ingrained trepidation released its chain on my heart by a link or two. Relief trickled through my veins. For a fleeting moment I felt the warmth of safety, and I relished in its lifespan which was always much too short.

“Hi Angela. Am I too late? Jen said I should schedule the appointment thirty minutes earlier as part of my homework for this week.”

“You’re right on time. Great job. I’ll let Jen know you’re here.”
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This article has been read 1375 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Margaret Kearley
04/13/14
Wow, this is so powerful. Although a fiction piece, it is nonetheless a battle faced by many I believe. Wonderful strong descriptive writing. You are well placed in Masters! - well done.
Judy Sauer 
04/13/14
Congratulations Toni on quickly advancing to Masters. Your writing is always powerful.

I could actually feel the MC's torturous Agoraphobia growing anxiety in me as I read this piece.

When readers can sense being the MC - it's superb writing.
C D Swanson 
04/13/14
Well written entry illustrating the "terror of agoraphobia" and how debilitating it can be. This was a powerful journey and introspective as the MC's internal thoughts jumped to life as we read.
Excellent job!

God bless~
Joe Moreland
04/13/14
Wow! What a well written piece. Great job. Now, I challenge everyone to read it again, but this time instead of thinking about the struggle with agoraphobia, think about salvation. Think of opening the door being us accepting Christ, and the walk to the appointment as our journey through life and the constant attacks we face. When I re-read it with this perspective I saw the article in an entirely different light. Not that that is what the author intended, I just thought it was a fun thing to do, and I felt that God was working thru the writing in a kind of sub-textual way.
Bea Edwards 
04/13/14
Excellent and realistic self dialogue. It was actually so believable as to make me wonder if you had experienced similar panic attacks.

I have had to self talk my way out of a few unreasonable freak outs...

Well written and cleverly thought out entry.
Verna Cole Mitchell 
04/14/14
Truly masterful descriptions.--You are right at home in Masters!
George Parler 
04/15/14
You definitely put the reader into the fear and anxious mindset of the MC. That's good writing.
Mar
04/16/14
Excellent story and writing Toni!
Mar
04/16/14
Excellent story and writing Toni!
Ellen Carr 
04/16/14
This is gripping and realistic. You drew me in to empathize with the MC. Very well written and describes the condition well. Well done!
lynn gipson 
04/16/14
Excellent, and yes, you describe those panic attacks very well. I know first hand, having had them often over a period of 20 years.

Thanks for sharing. This is just excellent.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
04/18/14
First, how dare you get inside my brain and write my thoughts for all to see???!!! :) (Using multiple punctuation--a big no-no) I can't even begin to tell you the reaction I had while I read this. I still have goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes. Once I'm in the car, I'm usually okay, but I make myself sick even thinking about going out. My daughter wants to go to Wal-Mart and the thought makes me physically ill. You captured it in such a brilliant way. I hope you don't suffer from this yourself, but you nailed it. The I'm the only one and feeling crazy is such a track in my head. I can't tell you how you blessed me and made me realize I'm not alone. I loved the ending too. It was perfect. For me this was positively brilliant. Congratulations on ranking 17 overall. Happy Dance!!