Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Pierce (06/05/25)
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TITLE: Gaping Hole | Previous Challenge Entry
By Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom
06/12/25 -
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After a day of mourning, I relented, spoke with my doctor and was admitted to the hospital. I missed Grandma’s calling hours and funeral on Sunday and Monday. Tuesday finally brought some much needed joy to my hurting heart. I had an ultrasound and found out I was expecting a baby girl. My husband and I even discussed honoring Grandma by naming the baby after her.
When the pain and grief overwhelmed me, my memory of calling Mom to tell her my news helped me manage. When Mom answered, I’d said nothing, just giggled.
She said, “I guess that means it’s a girl!“ Mom knew me so well. When I was a kid, she was a good mom, but as an adult she became my best friend. The only time we argued was when I was hospitalized repeatedly for my chronic pain. Mom worried, so I wouldn’t tell her if I needed pain medicine. I hated lying to her, but hearing her lectures about how I just needed to have faith, grit my teeth, and suck it up hurt almost as much as the relentless pain.
On Wednesday, I readied myself to be discharged from the hospital. I remember hearing a code blue announced over the loudspeaker twice. Each time I stopped and prayed for the patient, the staff, and last, the family. I believed praying was the least I could do. A bit later, I was sitting in bed when my father walked into my room. Dad hated hospitals and rarely, if ever, visited without Mom.
I glared at him. “What’s wrong?”
He looked down and mumbled, “I have bad news.” I think he could have stabbed me and it wouldn’t have hurt as much. I never let him finish, but started screaming. It took several nurses, a huge shot, and my doctor’s explanation of what happened to subdue me. Mom was being flown to the city hospital.
I felt my world collapsing around me. They wouldn’t discharge me until days later. I did get to see her one time before they transferred her. Being a nurse myself, I knew when I saw her, she’d never wake up. I was right. She died a few days later.
Somehow, I needed to find a way to patch that gaping hole. I never realized the words, “I have bad news,” could be as damaging as any weapon. My family needed me to pull myself together. Even today, I’m not sure how I managed. Mom had always been there except when we argued about me being sick...until that penultimate time I spoke with her. She gave me a wonderful gift when she said, “I’m not going to worry about you. God told me to trust the doctors. So I’m going to. I won’t hassle you about it anymore. You just keep your chin up and your eyes on the Lord.”
I couldn’t believe it. After years of telling me not to give into the pain, she realized she needed to hand her worries and me to God.
Even though it’s been over thirty years, my heart still aches. Her death left a huge hole in my life. I had to tell myself every day to keep my chin up and my eyes on the Lord. It’s not been easy. But I tried to be the mother she’d have wanted me to be. I think I finally managed to understand the legacy she left me when my first granddaughter was born.
Mom was a good mother, but an outstanding grandmother, and I wanted to follow in her footsteps. So today, as my chronic pain leaves me crying, bouts of grief still poke that scar in my heart, the whispered words of Mom remind me what’s truly important. So I keep my chin up and my eyes on the Lord. And I pray that I am able to influence my loved ones like Mom’s faith inspired me. And when my kids or granddaughters are upset, I whisper, “Keep your chin up and your eyes on the Lord.”
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