Ditch Witch | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Ditch Witch | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ruthie Alekseeva
01/27/25
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Now, some people might say Mandy Mellor was merely hangry that day, but I know better. You see, I ate lunch with her on that fateful afternoon. So, I know full well that she had already eaten two bananas, a double-decker BLT with mayo and red onions, a full-size strawberry thick shake, a side of thick-cut potato wedges, a square of chocolate-drizzled Boston cheesecake and, oh, did I mention, that she also swallowed down a Kit-Kat Chunky bar? Well, she did, and don’t ask me where she put it all or where she got the money for all that from because I don’t know. Maybe, she’s just one of those people who can eat a whole horse and a humpback whale but still look like a Hollywood movie star? But, na-ah-ah, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that Mandy Mellor was not hangry.

Now, if you want to know the real reason for why Mandy Mellor grew so flaming-red-hot mad and completely lost it that day, it’s because she’s just like her mother – a ditch witch, pure and simple. Well, at least that’s what I heard my mother say when we were all sitting around the dinner table eating Jamie-Oliver steak burgers the night before. Now, what’s a Ditch Witch you might say? Well, It’s a hyper-masculine company that sells directional drills, hammerhead moles and stand-on skid steers, which I believe are all used in the making of roadways. But my mum now uses the phrase, ditch witch, to refer to Mandy Mellor’s mother because Mandy Mellor’s mother is a female road construction worker, who works in a ditch all day, and she’s so swelled up about it too. She brags about it any chance she gets, to anyone who’ll listen, as if being a female road construction worker is some big thing!

And Mandy Mellor’s mother is so aggressive about telling everyone about how she’s a female road construction worker and how amazing she believes it makes her, that my mum has resorted to calling her a ditch witch behind her back. Because my mum says that although Mandy Mellor’s mother may look like a Machineri woman with her long dark brown hair, her lithe body and her Amazonian good looks, in actual fact a real woman wouldn’t be caught dead working in a butch men’s job like that. And I was just merely repeating that fact, simply echoing my mother’s sentiments, when from out of nowhere, get this, Mandy Mellor donked me one big one, right on top of my forehead!

Well, how was I supposed to know that Mandy Mellor would take offence to that? So, being the perfectly poised and lady-like female that I am, I swiped her one back. I mean, she deserved it. Because can’t she keep her mother under control and muzzle how freakin’ frequently her mother’s big mouth tells the whole world about her escapades as one of the few female road construction workers there is and how amazing she believes she is because of that? I mean it’s not like she’s Barry Manilow or even Barry Crocker. I mean, a real woman would be teaching grade-nine algebra or piping chocolate eclairs in a bakery or even ripping tickets to big Broadway musical productions at some fancy-schmancy inner-city theatre. Well, at least that’s what my mother said to me, once again, while we were all sitting around the dinner table eating Jamie-Oliver steak burgers the night before.

And so, once again, I ask you, how was I supposed to know why merely echoing my mother’s sentiments out loud to Mandy Mellor should have seen me, after a short scuffle on the ground, complete with fisty cuffs and everything, lady-like ones on my side, of course, ending up, that night, on both the ABC’s Q&A and, on a rival TV station, Lefties Losing It, as a villain on one show and a hero, wearing a superimposed tiara, on the other. Or why my mother, upon her workmates recognising my rosy-cheeked face, should have lost her job for her “sexist beliefs” or why I should now be sitting, writing lines out for my teacher saying: Female road construction workers are not ditch witches. Female road construction workers are not ditch witches. Well, if you ask me and my mother, while we’re all sitting around the dining table eating Jamie-Oliver steak burgers, it’s definitely not because Mandy Mellor was hangry. It’s because Mandy Mellor and her mother were, and still are ditch witches.

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