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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: BROKEN (12/06/18)
They sat at a secluded table in the restaurant, holding hands. He kissed her hand and then leaned across the table to kiss her softly on the lips. She responded by pulling him closer and whispering something in his ear. They both laughed. Then he reached into his jacket pocket and produced a box, which he handed to her. She opened it and removed a gold necklace. With a squeal of delight she pulled him closer, and kissed him passionately.

The figure watching from the cover of shrubbery on the veranda of the restaurant collapsed in a sobbing heap. The rumors, and her own gut feel, had been correct—her husband of thirty two years was having an affair. When one of Janet’s friends had asked if she knew the young woman seen having lunch with Guy, she said that he often had to entertain clients. Her friend had given her a dubious look, but had refrained from mentioning that the couple had been holding hands.

Janet reflected that working late had become the norm with Guy, followed soon by “working weekends” away from home. The clincher had been a message on his cellphone addressed to a Delia: “Meet me at the Royal Crane tonight at eight, I have a surprise for you”.

Perhaps she shouldn’t have gone—but she had to be sure. She couldn’t carry on with the doubt eating into her soul. Now she knew. Dragging herself to her car, she drove home blinded by her tears.

Perhaps I should have burst in on their romantic little dinner, but then what? A huge scene? A screaming match? I feel totally shattered. What’s left for me—where to now?

Her mind in a turmoil she arrived home and threw herself on the bed. How could he? For years we did everything together. Guy and Janet, always together. On this very bed he told me many times that he loved me. Did he mean it, or was it just to satisfy his temporary lust? I can’t live with him after what I saw tonight—I’ll divorce him. What will the children say?

She thought of their daughter Samantha, married and living with Brett and little Caroline in Miami. They were due to travel down there for Christmas in two months’ time. Then there was David, their black sheep son. David had always had a mind of his own. Gave up his studies to become a pilot and once qualified, had moved to New Zealand. Now they only heard from him on rare occasions, and he never replied to their calls.

She got up and moved through to the bathroom. Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror she couldn’t believe what she saw. Her eyes were red and swollen, her hair was awry, her skin red and blotchy. I couldn’t expect any man to be attracted to this mess. I could never compete with the youngster he was with tonight; she must be at least twenty years younger than me.

Her eyes fell on the bottle of schedule 5 sleeping tablets that had been prescribed for her recently.

Perhaps I should take a few of these and try and get some sleep. I don’t have the energy to carry on, and the thought of facing the whole divorce thing just sickens me. Perhaps I should just end it for good. Guy obviously doesn’t want me anymore and David doesn’t care; it’s only Samantha, and I’ll leave a letter for her explaining why I did this, maybe she’ll understand.

Janet took a deep breath, then emptied the bottle into her hand. Lord, I know this is wrong, please forgive me. She filled a tumbler with water, closed her eyes and … her cellphone rang. She ignored it, until it went onto voicemail. It’s probably Samantha, she thought. Curiosity got the better of her; she pressed a button to retrieve the message.

“Hi Ma, David here. I couldn’t get hold of dad, but I left this message for him as well. Guess what—I’ve been dating a great girl and we want to get married. She lost her mom to cancer last year, but after all I’ve told her about you, Ma, she wants to meet you and the family as soon as possible. I’ve contacted Samantha and agreed to meet you all at her place this Christmas. I love you, Ma. Must go now.”

The sleeping tablets made a fizzing sound as they dissolved in the toilet bowl.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
12/16/18
Wow, you did an awesome job of pulling me in right away. Both external and internal conflicts helped to heighten the suspense. My empathy for the MC was intense. Be careful of subtle POV shifts. I'd also have liked to seen the actual dialog instead of just hearing it told. Add some body language and thought too, and you've a great mental picture. The ending was powerful and believable. I don't usually notice or comment on titles, but this one kind of gives the ending away a bit. Perhaps something simple like The Affair, Falling Apart, or even Him and Her Eecck! all might fit without giving too much of ending away, but like I said, titles are not my expertise. You packed a lot of punch in 750 words and had my attention throughout. You definitely covered the topic without overusing the word. You showed what broken looks like in many ways. I liked the ending. You have a clear message, and I believe this piece will touch many hearts and possibly save a life.
Allison Egley 
12/20/18
This is pretty good. And I'm glad it didn't end with the husband coming home saying, "Oh, that's my deceased client's daughter. I promised her I'd take care of her like my own child" or some super noble cause like that. lol Good job over all!