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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: FAITH (strong, confident belief in God) (02/26/15)
I gaze up at the ceiling. Trying to find pictures of random things among the dots and paint cracks at least gives me something to do, other than trying to work out what I’m doing here. I give up with that game and start daydreaming instead – anything to spare me from having to engage with what is going on around me.

It would be fair to say that church is the last place I wanted to be today. Churches can be the most uncomfortable places of all, and not just because of the hard seats. The hardest thing about being in church is the pressure to project a strong and confident faith, which right now, I can’t do – not truthfully, at any rate.

Yet, despite some world-class efforts at procrastination, I’m still here. I suppose this constitutes an improvement on last week. I just hope that I’m not going to be subjected to an hour or so of waxing lyrical about the love of God. Sometimes I’ve come out of those services feeling very uplifted. But today, I’m just too raw.

I’ve been a Christian all my life. To me, faith has always been about my relationship with God, and no relationship is perfect. Sometimes that faith has been literally all I have had to cling to. But over the past few weeks, it’s been undermined by how I’m feeling about God. At best, I feel lukewarm. At worst, I feel angry and confused. I can’t understand why an allegedly loving God allowed certain things to happen to me. Neither do I understand why, no matter how many times I pray, my questions remain unanswered and the pain lingers on. I know what the Bible says on the subject, in my head at least. But convincing my emotions – well, that’s another matter entirely.

This morning, I came to the point of questioning whether God is really there at all. Strangely, the more I tried to exclude the possibility of God in my life, the more I ended up removing the reason for so many good things in my life. The closer I look, the more inescapable the truth that He was always there and really did have my best interests at heart, becomes. It dawns on me that perhaps I’m looking for God in the wrong place. However hard I try to find Him in an act of evil, I can’t because He’s simply not there. On the other hand, it’s quite telling that I have no difficulty seeing God’s involvement in my healing and rebuilding. I see Him at work through friends, family and all the random, unconnected things that played some part in my healing.

I suppose my doubts have done me a favour. At least I know my faith isn’t just blind acceptance. And also, they’ve given me permission to talk to God honestly and openly, and, as I’ve found, it’s okay to do so. I suspect that’s what God would prefer, too.

I’d rather have an honest faith than a confident one, even though right now, my fragile faith feels more like a flower’s petal than the proverbial mustard tree. I have so many questions to work through and a lot of baggage for God and me to unpack together – not here in church, but in the quiet moments when I’m feeling ready to let Him in. But I have confidence that, in time, it will happen.

The mere fact that, in spite of how I feel, I’ve made the decision to walk through the church doors today, is, I believe, proof enough that my faith is stronger than my doubts. And, for now, that is strong enough.

Author's note:

non fiction.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
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This article has been read 1141 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
C D Swanson 
03/06/15
Thank you for your candor which resonates throughout the entry. I've known so many who've gone through what your're experiencing right now. But, you still want God in your life, that's clearly evident by your scrutinity and your stirring from within.

I thought this a perfect rendition of the topic Faith, I'm sure it'll touch the judges hearts as it did mine.

Sometimes prayers not being answered isn't because He doesn't hear them, it's because perhaps there is something down the road He sees that we can't see or understand.


God bless~
Noel Mitaxa 
03/09/15
It's a bit rough when God doesn't deliver the answers we want, and I appreciate your total honesty here. I often wonder how doctrinal or emotional legalists would welcome any preacher or worship leader who raised the same complaints that David voiced in many of his psalms.
Imagine a call to worship like, "Why are you so far away, God?" or "Why have you forsaken me?" yet these are in the psalms - the Jews' book of public worship (and not just a collection of private meditational thoughts.)

Well done.
Judith Gayle Smith-Owens Vitouswykegardinerclark
03/09/15
Oftimes been there, done that; praying for strength, knowing He strengthens us through His grace. My heart is hugging yours.
PamFord Davis 
03/09/15
Faith is fragile and our 'why God' feelings often outweigh prayerful praise. God sometimes lets in timed dim amounts of revelation to shed light on our questions... much as a physician slowly peals away layers of bandages from eyes after radical surgery. The patient first may see things as shadows before seeing the world with clarity. I agree, that at painful times in my life, it was difficult to attend church. God's people often have no idea about the struggles & suffering of those in their midst. Keep as honest as you are now. Brokenness leads to blessing...
Wing His Words
LaVonne Wood
03/10/15
The gift of a great writer is writing from the heart. It is also what the Lord loves, an honest heart. May the Lord bless you! LaVonne
Verna Cole Mitchell 
03/10/15
Your writing always finds a warm place in my heart. This very personal article is very well done. My favorite line was "He was always there." As you dwell on that, He will bless you. Sending a prayer and a hug!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
03/13/15
This is full of emotions and I can easily relate. You did a fine job with sharing your story so others don't feel alone. Congratulations on ranking 14th overall! Happy Dance!
David Butler
03/14/15
It's the honesty and openness of people like you that kept me going through all the seasons where I "walked through the valley."
Hope this is read by many.
God bless.