Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: BAGGAGE (02/08/18)
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TITLE: The Fifth Step | Previous Challenge Entry
By LeslieJean Anderson
02/15/18 -
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“Sit down, Jill. Relax. We have all day for this.”
Samantha gave Jill her most charming smile and handed her an unopened bottle of water.
“It won’t hurt as much as you think,” Samantha said with a little laugh. “And you’ll feel so much better. I promise. You don’t mind if I work on my needlepoint while you talk?”
As Samantha pulled her needlepoint into her lap, Jill opened her notebook. It contained the Fourth Step of AA’s 12-Step Program, which was the Moral Inventory. Jill’s presence in Samantha’s living room was the dreaded Fifth Step which says, “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
Samantha smiled to herself as she glanced at Jill. In preparation for this meeting, she’d conferred with one of the group leaders. They’d agreed that Jill did not have a drinking problem in the usual sense. She was just a nervous wreck who used some prescription pills and occasionally alcohol to calm down enough to sleep. They agreed she should be in Al-a-non, the group for family members of alcoholics.
But they liked her and she had chosen their group over the other one because, in Jill’s words, “the AA group was more serious” about recovery. In Jill’s jumpy brain, the fact that she resorted to alcohol occasionally to sleep made her one of them. No one had the heart to correct her. And her dogged determination to recover was certainly an inspiration.
Samantha never forgot the night that Jill stood up to receive a Beginner’s Chip to signal her desire to “stop drinking.” That had only been a couple of months ago, and now here she was, dutifully fulfilling the Fourth Step like the good student she was.
“… and then I yelled at him,” Jill was saying. “I feel bad now, at the mean words I said. I said a lot of mean words after that too. And the problem is, I still want to yell at him every time he comes around to visit the children.”
Jill was almost finished. Samantha put down her needlepoint. Most of Jill’s list contained her accumulated resentments and anger at being mistreated. She’d been a people-pleaser, and was highly offended when the most important people in her life had rejected her efforts. When she’d been divorced by her ex-husband without due process, her depression had eventually turned to anger which she expressed verbally. It was apparently a new emotion for her and troubled her greatly.
Like most sponsors in AA, Samantha had been trained to listen to the emotions behind the words. She rarely remembered the details. What mattered was the damage to the heart and mind that sent people running to alcohol for pain relief.
When Jill finally paused for some water, Samantha said softly, “Jill, do you really want to dump the anger?”
Jill nodded, tears brightening her gaze as she said, “Yes! I’ve tried and tried to stop being so resentful and mad. But nothing I do seems to help, and then I get mad at myself too. That’s why I am in the Program. I need help.”
“Then you’re ready for Steps Six and Seven. That is when you let God do what you cannot do for yourself.”
Jill blinked and said, “But I ask Him all the time, and I tell him...” Then she stopped, and her eyes widened. “I guess I even yell at God too.”
Samantha leaned forward. “Jill, how did you feel before all this happened?”
“Generally speaking, I was content,” said Jill.
“Then try to imagine how you will feel now without your burden of anger and resentment.”
Jill closed her eyes for a moment and then whispered, “Vulnerable. Naked. Scared.”
“So, what would you say the anger is doing for you now while you carry it around with you?”
“It’s protecting me!” Jill exclaimed as she opened her eyes.
Jill looked at Samantha for a long minute, as understanding dawned.
Finally, Samantha said, “God wants to take it away, but you have to LET him. And you have to KEEP letting him. That’s what the next two steps are all about.”
“More work?” Jill sighed.
Samantha laughed. “Don’t worry, Jill. You’re doing great! Look how far you’ve come! And I’ll be there to help you. You are not alone in this anymore.”
Jill smiled for the first time as hope shone on her face.
“Thank you, Samantha” she whispered.
500 words This story is based on true events.
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