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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: CHILL (10/27/16)
T.J. walked quickly ahead of his classmates, during lunch, down a dark forbidden hallway of their Jr. high school; fully aware that he and the other students weren't supposed to be in that particular part the building. Suddenly, he felt his insides twist and his head snap without his consent to where Carl was standing and laughing loudly. "Hey big mouth what the hell?" T.J. inquired, as he rubbed his neck roughly to demonstrate his pain and annoyance to Carl, whose friendship he was beginning to question, as all the other boys looked on in surprise and concern.

"Sorry," Carl replied; still giggling to himself. "Anyway, you were louder than I was just now...." he argued.

"I don't think so.....Ahhh, forget it. I wanna get back in time to eat something anyway," T.J. replied; still sneering, as he continued to rub his neck and look around to see who was paying attention to his displays of anger.

"Not yet..." Carl insisted. "We still haven't found the peep whole that looks into the girls locker room yet," but all the other boys were already turning around, so T.J. and Carl followed.

The boys got back just as the others were filing out of the cafeteria. T.J. continued in his bad mood for the rest of the school day. By the time he got off the bus, he was even more upset with some of the students he rode home with, as he questioned THEIR devotion to his friendship.

"How was your day Honey?" his mother asked, as he stomped past her on his way to the refrigerator.

"It sucked....if you MUST KNOW" he replied. I got into a few fights and then on the way home, this JERK started hassling me!"

"T.J! that's not a very nice way to talk and you know it!" she replied. "Go to your room now! We'll continue this discussion later!"

T.J. went to his room and slammed the door behind him.

Later that week, his report card came; full of complaints concerning his behavior, along with a request for a parent/teacher conference, but nothing his parents or his school could say or do seemed to make any lasting impression.

T.J. grew up treating others harshly, but still managed to attract the attention of a sweet understanding godly woman, who fell deeply in love with him, despite his unpleasant disposition. He married her and continued in his disturbing ways. They had a son and he was a good father, except when things didn't go his way.

One Saturday morning, when his son was six and a half years old, his wife suggested they go enjoy the nice weather, with one arm over her son's shoulder: "Come on T, it's a beautiful day! Let's all go do something......like....have a picnic in the park!"
"NAH! I don't feel like it!" he hollered. "I have a splitting headache!"

"Oh come on it'll be fun!" his wife insisted. "It might make ya feel better!"

"Oh alright, if it'll stop your nagging!" he hollered.

They drove in silence, as T.J. unconsciously worked on his frown lines.

As his wife spread a table cloth on one of the picnic tables and put out a delightful lunch, T.J. sat and sulked on the bench. "Daddy, I want you to smile!" his son said suddenly; laying his head on his father's lap for a moment.

"What?"

"Smile Dad......just chill," his son replied; gazing into his father's eyes. "God wants you to and so does Mom," he continued, with his eyes glistening almost brighter than the sunshine that memorable afternoon.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
11/05/16
You have the foundation of an interesting story. Obviously TJ has had something affecting his moods for decades. Things like that can become such an integral part of who we are, we may not even be aware of what causes it.

I'd urge you to write out abbreviations like Junior and to use all caps to indicate yelling sparingly. Instead use body language to show yelling (spit spraying, balled fists, red face, others covering their ears). My biggest suggestion would be to work on the transitions a bit more. The incident at school and home didn't feel deeply connected to the park episode. Instead of trying to include anger over the decades, you may want to focus on just one time and build on that. I wonder if this is based on a true story because often it can be hard to leave out parts that feel important in the writer's head, but aren't needed for the reader. I might have either had a little brother tell the teen to chill or showed more of the anger and sadness as an adult. With only 750 words, telling both stories means you have to cut out those transitions linking them together. This would be great for a longer book or story.

You did a nice job of showing the conflict. Your opening pulled me in and made me eager to keep reading to figure out why they were sulking down forbidden hallways (peep whole should be hole). I liked your title, but be careful that your title doesn't give away the ending. The ending made me say ahhhhh. There's nothing quite like being humbled by our kids. Your message was a good one too.