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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Feel (emotions) (08/26/10)
Nine years had passed since the day that changed her life forever. It was easier to drift through the motions of day-to-day living—avoiding thoughts of that day—on other days, but the task was not easy today. Today was the day she would like to eliminate from every calendar on earth.

In the first few years after the event, she hardly noticed the day approaching or retreating. However, as time wore on, she became acutely aware of the “day of decision” as it emerged on the horizon of her life. She found the challenge to stay numb increasingly intense. Dancing around thoughts of the event and finding other ways to occupy her mind were steadily draining her energy.

But why should this single episode in her past have such power over her? She had a wonderful life, didn’t she? Her exciting job as an event planner enabled her to live in luxury, mingle with famous people, and travel. She briefly entertained a silly thought that her eating, drinking, and spending were getting out of control. Where did that come from? She worked hard and deserved to do as she pleased.

Her thought life was becoming a battlefield and she was on the run to evade her internal pursuer: the feelings, the ones that threatened to consume her and carry her away… but to where? This was a battle she feared she would ultimately lose.

The memories of the days preceding the event crept into her mind once again like an unwelcome neighbor knocking at the back door. The audio tapes were persistent: “Everything will be fine. It is legal, so it must be okay. No one will ever know. I can get on with my life as if nothing ever happened.” The remarks of those close to her at the time were relentless as well: “It‘s your decision and we support you no matter what you decide;” (and in the same breath), “Surely you aren’t thinking of carrying to term, are you? It’s just a blob of tissue anyway.”

A single tear escaped as she recalled that not one person she confided in offered an ounce of help or encouragement. No one said, “You can do this. Have the baby. We will help you.”

There. She had said it. It was a baby, wasn’t it? He would be nine years old today. The same age as her when she was baptized in the little white church in her small hometown. What had happened to her? Her childhood dreams pictured a sky blue future with a husband and children in a simple house filled with love and fun. Where had her life taken the wrong turn?

The tears began, and, as expected, the weight of her emotions overwhelmed her. Horror, anger, regret, pain, anguish, and despair washed over her in swirling assaults one after the other. The most agonizing questions of all blasted her, and from deep within, she cried out. “Can’t I please go back and do everything over again. If only I had known. If only I had made a different choice. If only I had listened to the lone whisper that echoed: Go home; talk with your mom.” She had finally faced the truth. She collapsed into a puddle of remorse and continued to let all that she had fought to contain flow out of her soul. “Oh, Lord! What have I done? Can you ever forgive me?”

In her exhaustion she sensed a glimmer of light. An envelope of comfort became palpable, and she heard the still small voice once again. “Yes, child. I forgave you a long time ago—the day I hung on the cross for you and for many. Your son is here with me now. Do not abandon hope. Stay in my arms and I will lead you to the help and healing you need. I’ve been waiting for your return.”

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32
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This article has been read 929 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Jeanne E Webster
09/04/10
A mother's grief over the decision to abort her baby returns to haunt many a soul. You have described the ordeal quite well. "If only...I should have known better...oh, Lord, what have I done."

Your article will reach out and touch many a mother and perhaps cause them to delay their fateful decision a little longer, just long enough to change their minds and turn inwards to the life that grows withing them.

Thank you for your insight to a very private action known only to God. Blessings. :)
Genia Gilbert
09/06/10
This is touching and well written. It is a vivid description of feelings that I'm sure are right on target with this sad "Day of Decision." I love the way you ended it with God's great forgveness and love.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/06/10
This was well done on a very difficult topic. My heart hurt for you as I read this. I commend you for sharing something so difficult.
Charla Diehl
09/06/10
This story, so skillfully written, tugged at my heart for women everywhere who have aborted or given their babies up for adoption. Through personal relationships, I know how those days of decision haunt them still. Thankfully through God, forgiveness and healing can be found. I expect to see this entry receive the recognition it deserves.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/09/10
Congratulations for placing in the top 15 of your level and in the top 40 overall.
Pamela Padrick Richards
09/13/10
I greatly appreciate all the words of encouragement left by my colleagues. I do want to set the record straight; however, that this is not autobiographical--the story came from years of experience working with women who are post-abortive. I have experienced the terrible emotional pain of the loss of two children to miscarriage, and my heart breaks for anyone who has been injured because of legal elective abortion. Women in a crisis pregnancy situation are vulnerable and are often pressured to make a hasty decision without having all the facts they need. Pregnancy resource centers around the world do an amazing job toward healing and hope in this area.