Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Summer (the season) (07/09/09)
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TITLE: Merry Sunshine | Previous Challenge Entry
By Lynne Eliason
07/14/09 -
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On that summer day such as it was, there should not have been sorrow. When the sun caresses the earth and robins frolic and butterflies dance amongst wildflowers, there shouldn’t be sadness. There should only be joy. It was not to be.
“She won’t last through the summer. Take her home and just love her…” The doctor’s words still take my breath away. Merry, my beautiful little girl was going to leave us. My sweet sunny doll who lit up our life, just a blossoming 4 years old, was going away, with death being her only bittersweet hope. The despairing force snuffing out her light was a brain tumor. I couldn’t see it and I certainly wasn’t able to make it go away. So, as the time was nearing for Merry’s all-too-soon journey to heaven as a result of it, I could feel only an indescribable ache. On that warm June day when a wispy breeze was bringing the essence of those wildflowers to us through open windows, Merry’s sunshine was giving way to darkness. Joy was not to be found.
I cradled Merry gently in my arms in her favorite rocking chair and sang the little songs she so adored. Mr. Snuggles, her well-worn chenille bunny was tucked into her arms. Everyone else was keeping vigil close by, oblivious to the outside world. Nobody really cared at the moment that we weren’t gathered outdoors enjoying the summer as we usually did, rather than mired indoors in grief and disbelief. I rocked on and on and on, encompassing her with love and tender touches, thankful that God was allowing me this one last time of solace. Daylight turned to dusk and as the first fireflies glinted the evening, Merry’s earthly breathing stilled. The peaceful solitude in the room declared she was with Jesus, who would take eternal care of her now. I must let her go.
Merry’s funeral was poignant. The tiny white casket adorned with angels illuminated by the sun at all the right times was surreal. I was numb, cold and withdrawn, even cynically thinking that the graveside service was like a spectator sport with too many people hovering. Later, remembering the special Merry moments of the day, I was eventually grateful for the well-intentioned hugs and kind words. The pink balloons that we released to ascend toward heaven for Merry’s delight will occasionally wander through my thoughts, a sign of comfort and connection.
Summer gave way to autumn with its season of harvest and bounty and I felt only the anguish and emptiness. I went through the motions of normal daily life without light and laughter. I wasn’t ready to embrace reminders of her sweetness. Any sunny day brought about unwelcome goodness. As autumn submitted to a harsh gray winter, my mood seemed more appropriate. I began to realize that Merry wouldn’t want this kind of mood for her mommy and as spring began to emerge, I would allow myself little moments of wistful memories.
On the day of the anniversary of her passing, it was actually the same kind of summer day as when she had passed on. Bright and sunny and nature splendid in all of its glory, but without Merry to share it with, it seemed there would never be sunshine for me. I knelt beside her grave and traced the lettering on her marble headstone, as if it would make her magically come alive. I prayed. I cried. I prayed some more. “Please God, release me from this agony.” I was there long enough that a few thunderclouds covered the sun and it began to rain. The shower soaked me, but I wasn’t wanting to give up this time with my daughter. I felt closer to her here. Lifting my face to the sky, the raindrops seemed to cleanse my soul. As the rain gave way to the sun, it dared to peak through the clouds. I immediately saw an incredible rainbow with amazing hues stretching from horizon to horizon. Oh, Merry would have loved it. It took me but a second to know in my heart that Merry was loving it. Thanks to God hearing my plea, her sunshine had brought it to be. I smiled and raised my hands to the sky, as if to accept the Son's offer. I rejoiced - a little... Once again, I could feel the warmth and joy would find its way back to my summer days.
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