The Official Writing Challenge
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It was great until you turned the end into a totally different story. It was just too unbelievable for me when I reached that part.
I have to agree with Sally. A great story, getting the reader into seeing this character and you knew something was coming but the ending just kind of made me wonder what the build up was. But I think the story line is here just made me want to understand what happened and eased into a little.