Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Fulfillment (04/06/06)
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TITLE: A Destiny to Fulfill | Previous Challenge Entry
By Shari Armstrong
04/07/06 -
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“Mother, I’m leaving school.”
”What? Kaelin, you can’t!”
“I’m sorry, but I have to. I just feel this need to move on. Like I have to find my destiny. Find fulfillment. Out there, somewhere. I just know I can’t do that here.”
She just stared at her son, unsure of what to say next.
”Mother, I’m not happy here. Can’t you understand?”
”I understand, just like I understood when your father decided he needed to explore new things. I don’t have to like it to understand it. Everything was fine, until that day that he didn’t return. We still don’t know what happened to him. No one has seen him since. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, too.”
“I don’t plan on being gone forever, I’m sure Dad didn’t either.” Kaelin sighed. “I miss him, too. Maybe that’s why I need to go. To understand where he went. Go the same places he went. Maybe I’ll even find out what happened to him.”
Daila felt her heart sink. “All right. I suppose I can’t stop you anyway.”
“I love you, and I’ll be back soon. You’ll see.” Kaelin darted out.
As Kaelin headed out into the world, he soaked in everything around him. The colors, the sounds, the warm light coming from above. He met many colorful characters along the way. They all had a story to tell, and he loved hearing them. But, it was time to write his story. Time to have his adventure.
But, one story hooked his imagination. Even though he was nothing but an old crab, Charlie had the best stories. “Charlie, tell me about The Wild again.” Kaelin said, as he stopped to visit his friend.
Charlie stretched. “Well, The Wild is that place that only the bravest dare venture.” His low, gravely voice made it sound even more mysterious. “Many who go there, never return. You have to be vigilant, never let your guard down.”
“How do I find The Wild?” Kaelin was feeling the excitement building. This was it.
Charlie pointed him in the right direction, and Kaelin was off to finally fulfill his destiny. It was getting late, but he went ahead and started his journey.
As Kaelin reached the edge of the wild, it was beginning to get light. He noticed a delightful smell, and realized he’d been so excited he hadn’t eaten all night. He followed the smell, in hopes of finding the meal that went with it.
“Ummm, I’m stuffed full.” The man leaned back, stretching
”Yeah, that filled me up, too. That was some good fish you caught this morning.”
“Yup, and he sure put up a fight, like that one last month. Almost got away.”
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However, I too was confused and had to read it twice. You had some clever phrases (like "even though he was nothing but an old crab").
I think maybe you dwelt too long on his goodbye to mom. The description seemed sparse (on purpose?)and, while you couldn't have put too much in (you'd ruin the surprise ending) maybe a bit more would have helped flow. You could have come up with some pretty catchy sea names for the characters he met and perhaps just mentioned them in passing to 'bait' the reader a bit more. I think, too, that I would have had the crab try to discourage him, tell him that some adventure is good, that pushing your boundries can be a good thing, but The Wild is a dark, dangerous (evil?) place, not to be ventured into AT ALL--paint a clearer picture that that's way past the limits of good sense, safety and wisdom.
Cute idea, hard to do with a limited word count!
I like the names you chose, Kaelin is a lot more interesting to read then Tom or Joe. I had a bit of a problem with their talk though, when the mom said the spiel about the dad not coming back. It seemed like she was informing the reader of what her son should already know. And I agree about shortening the good bye to make room for the characters you alluded to.
Nice imaginative take on the topic. I think Debora's ideas about warning of the dangers of pushing your limits would be that 'great meaning' you were looking for. ;)