Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Hunger (07/04/24)
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TITLE: The Decision | Previous Challenge Entry
By Asha John
07/08/24 -
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A slight smile creased her face as she recalled the day she had signed up to volunteer as a nurse in Hope Refugee Camp. The disapproval and skepticism of family and friends did not sting any more. Even the hospital tent where she spent most of her waking hours, lined with cots side by side, the worn-out beddings, the frazzled mosquito netting and the near empty bins of basic medical supplies didn’t bother her as it used to. There was work to do round the clock, as the barest minimum facilities and cramped space resulted in scrapes, gashes and burns from minor incidents. The elderly required regular monitoring while a few pregnant women needed constant reassurance more than any major medical aid.
“Hey Kate! All set for the day?” the friendly greeting of her superior broke into her reverie.
“Yes, ma’am. We might have a busy one,” Kate replied, thinking of the fight that had erupted among a group of disgruntled teens the previous night. Before the security officer could step in to break up the brawl, there were already a few cuts and bruises, black eyes, and a sprained ankle.
Shrugging off the distracting thoughts, Kate walked towards the makeshift office. Her six-month volunteer period was getting over in a couple of weeks and she had been praying for direction. Pulling out a Request for Extension form from the top drawer of the office desk, she skimmed through the questions.
Why am I so conflicted? It was crystal clear back then. Volunteer at the camp for half a year, and then, head home to begin grad school. But my work here feels unfinished, and I am not even excited about returning home. Lord, show me what to do.
The passage from the Gospel of John popped into her mind once again, “I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes on Me shall never thirst.” It had not only gripped her heart that day at the Missions Conference but also played a major role in the decision to serve at the camp.
A distant scream broke into her thoughts.
“I really must focus,” she told herself sternly as she stepped out and hurried towards the tent at the far end of the camp while reporting to the doctor’s assistant on her walkie talkie.
That must be Jemima. O Lord, let her not go into labor now.
Pulling back the door flap, Kate stumbled into the tent calling out, “Jemima?”
The pair of terrified eyes that met her confirmed her fears. Jemima was gripping the small table fiercely grimacing in pain while her two toddlers who obviously had been playing under the table were whimpering.
Kate rushed in and kneeling down, gently squeezed the young widow’s trembling hand. “Dr. Myers will be here soon, Jemima. She will take care of you and the baby.” Praying silently for the grieving woman who had so tragically lost her husband to the recent war, she turned towards the twin boys huddled on the floor near their mother.
Lord, get the doctor here quickly.
Before she could scoop them out from under the table, Dr. Myers and her nurse assistant arrived. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, Kate took out two lollipops from her pocket. As the boys huddled close to her and licked their lollipops, her thoughts reverted to that day. After painting a heart-rending picture of the immense physical needs of the refugees, the speaker at the Missions Conference had proceeded to point out how great was their hunger for a God who genuinely cared. His earnest plea that his listeners would see the refugee camps as a place where both the physical and spiritual hunger of a suffering multitude are met was what had really got her attention then.
And that had proved true over and over in the last few months.
Jemima needs me. And many like her. This settles it, at least for a few more months.
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Seeing the theme was hunger, I'd say probably your first "error" if you want to call it that, was that your story seemed to be about need in general, rather than physical hunger. I also competed in that theme with "Masada" which focused on spiritual hunger, and did not place very well. If you read the winning entries, the judges were looking for literal, physical hunger, not anything else. Personally, I like the focus on spiritual hunger, as that is eternal, but they clearly did not count that as on topic.
Also, it seemed to me that your title about "the decision" was only partially concluded in the ending. It seemed like the ending kind of crashed to a sunder close. Were you out of word allowance? 750 does not give much room to flesh stuff out.
I also compared you story to the winning story. One thing the judges do NOT seem to like, (and readers in a hurry, too) is stories that look heavy on the page. Yours really wasn't bad, but it was not as light in appearance as the story that won your category. I'm not exactly sure how to explain what I mean, but big paragraphs look heavy on the page. Even if you keep that action moving, it still seems more daunting to read. Not sure if that made any sense whatsoever.
Predictability is another big one. It seemed pretty obvious once I figured out that the question was if she would stay or not, that she was going to stay. Apparently, they don't like that. Suspense. What is going to happen? I can't put it down until I know. etc. In this fast paced world, you have to really catch the readers attention with an irresistible hook.
Have you ever tried fishing? When a fish bites the hook, you have to jerk the line to make sure the fish is stuck. If you are sleeping on the job, the fish may be able to get away once it realizes it bit the wrong thing. You get the reader to bite you story with a good title, but then you have to set the hook with suspense and a really good story. Then you have to real them in and keep them on the line with a great story from beginning to end.
Obviously, we can't predict the judges very well at all. Sometimes I think one of them is in a bad mood and really cranky when they read the article. I don't know. You could also try ordering a rating report if you are upgraded far enough. Those don't always make sense either, but it tells you where you rated well and where you crashed score wise.
Anyway, I'm not an expert here, but that is just a few things that stuck out to me. For the most part, I'd say it was a pretty good story, but we still have to keep improving to make it in the writing world. Keep writing!