Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: PATIENT (11/25/21)
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TITLE: True Freedom | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jennifer Percell
12/02/21 -
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Counseling, therapy, weakness, failure, shame. How can I possibly admit this? He promised not to tell anyone else but even between the two of us I have felt so inadequate. There is no way I can tell one more person I am getting help. It’s like being punished for hurting. The harm was done to me, now the shame of laying my pain and suffering out to be analyzed is only proving I failed to overcome it. I can try harder, I have always been able to try harder. My unborn baby will be harmed by all this emotion anyway. I will wait and do this when my kids don’t need a mom who is present and focused.
But the tears won’t stop. My body is regurgitating years of buried pain and there is no end. I rub my arms and feel the soft comfort of my sweater. I finger stray ends of loose yarn and soon realize I am pushing them into place as if I can stop the unraveling. I pace the room and feel trapped in the house, I rock my toddler and feel detached from her. The shards of my broken walls are slicing me open and I cannot stop the bleeding.
Before I saw the movie I had no words for my memories. I knew, as I had always known, that they were to be secret, hidden to protect my mother, my father, me. Unbound memories, secrets revealed, how many times had he angrily whispered, ``don't tell, don’t tell, it will kill your mother…”.
The scenes in the movie cut through all my careful layers of pretending and took me completely off guard. Memories crowded into my brain like an oozing pus of disease. The counselor says it is a good thing. He says I will find true freedom. I only feel shame and fear.
Terrible things will happen if people know, that is the truth I have always believed. How can I tell her? She will see that I am not worthy of her son, not able to raise her grandchildren. He says it is a long process to this freedom, how can she be patient with a process, she knows my children need me now. When she knows all about me, my past, the way people say my maiden name in my hometown, she will realize the truth about me. I was always so happy that she lived so far away. She certainly never heard the rumors or my charade would not have worked so long. When she knows who I really am, this dream of belonging in a family will be shattered. “No-one will ever believe you.” How many times did he make that threat? “And if you tell them, they will know you are a very bad girl.”
“Can we talk?”
“Sure honey, what is on your mind.”
“I should have told you long ago, there’s so much you don’t know about me. You deserve to know about my past and who I really am. I have been seeing a counselor.”
“You do not have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me. I know who you really are, you are my family now. Someone tried to tell me about your family once.”
“Who?! What did they tell you?”
“It was the nurse from the camp where you and Keith met. She said she knew some things about you and your family that I should know if you were going to date my son. I told her I knew all about you. It wasn’t a lie. I knew all you wanted me to know, anything else could wait.”
“That was nine years ago! Didn’t you wonder if I was good enough for him? What if I had really messed up his life? If you would have listened to her you could have saved him lots of trouble. How could you wait so long for the truth? Why were you so patient?”
“Oh honey, I have always known the only truth that matters. My son loves you and I trust my son. You are my daughter now, nothing you can say will change that.”
As she reached to embrace me I saw my first glimpse of that road to freedom.
*This is the true story of my precious mother in law and her loving patience.
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This story brought a lump in my throat.
God created you into a beautiful person who shouldn't feel any shame or guilt in seeking counseling to help them sort out their life.
God created you and loves you!
Although it was only hinted at, your point came across clearly. Sincere love and acceptance is the recommended antidote to healing and freedom.
Well done.