Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: RESOLUTION (01/07/16)
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TITLE: Forgotten Prayers | Previous Challenge Entry
By Chris Goglin
01/13/16 -
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“Wow, what a powerful movie. I never knew a movie about prayer could be so overwhelming!” said Amy. They just sat there for a while letting the emotions seep into their minds.
The War Room, a recent movie about the power of prayer had swept through the Christian community. The idea of a prayer closet, and a little old lady, motivated others to jump start their prayer life.
Consequently, Amy went to bed that night with a strong determination to pray more, and to make a difference in other people’s lives. The next morning, all she wanted to do is find a prayer closet to start her adventure with the Lord.
Her century-old home had many closets filled to the brim. It would be a challenge to find an empty one. She pulled down the old attic stairway to investigate.
“This is great! Perfect privacy, not too much clutter, a great wall to put sticky notes on, and a small window.” she spoke aloud.
The next day, she found a soft rug to kneel on, and started arranging her “prayer wall” with as many requests as she could remember over the last year. She started to pray daily in her new hide-a-way.
Weeks went by, and the daily jaunt to the attic became less and less. It’s not that she didn’t want to pray, just life was so busy. A month had gone by. She decided to visit the attic again. She felt like she let the Lord down, and immediately starting touching each sticky note in regret.
There’s my granddaughter with an ear infection, and Linda with another surgery, and …oh…this one came loose.
The adhesive had worn off and the ink was smeared, so she firmly pushed the note in with a thumbtack. Suddenly the wall panel became unstable, and before she could grab on to something, Amy fell through the wall!
“Help!” she screamed, as her body slid down through a metal like chute. Falling headfirst, she landed on something soft and mildew smelling.
“Where am I?” Amy whispered, feeling a little dizzy.
Well, no broken bones I guess I’m alright.
“Hey, this is an old basement,” as she gazed at the cement brick walls and piles of laundry everywhere. Searching for an exit, she noticed several damp sticky notes on the floor.
“This one says, ‘pray for Sue and her marriage,’ and another one, ‘Pray for Dave and his new job,’” exclaimed Amy. Several more were scattered on the floor. As she read each one, she realized these requests were the ones she forgot to pray for and never wrote down. They never got to her wall, yet she was looking right at them.
“Why is it so easy to forget to pray?” mumbled Amy, still perplexed at who wrote down her forgotten prayers. She knelt down on the pile of dirty laundry, closed her eyes, and asked the Lord to forgive her.
“How can I expect answers to my prayers, when You don’t even receive them, or maybe you did? Please help me get out of this basement and get back to my prayer wall, “cried Amy. She felt sleepy, and laid her head down on an old blanket.
The next thing she knew; she was in her prayer attic again. Jumping up, she immediately went to the wall that had collapsed. She pushed and pushed and nothing happened. No evidence of a thumbtack in the wall, and the same sticky notes were still there, safe and secure.
“I must have fallen asleep, but it was so real…” said Amy.
A few days later, she went to the grocery store, and ran into Sue.
“Hi Sue, how’s it goin?” she said.
“We are getting a divorce, there just doesn’t seem to be any hope left.” Sue replied.
“I’m so sorry. I will pray for you!” For sure this time.
With this in mind, Amy went home and quickly wrote her request on a sticky note. She placed it on her wall, and prayed earnestly for Sue. Remembering the old damp basement of forgotten prayers, she smiled, and made a decision.
“I’m not going there again; this will be my first New Year’s resolution.”
Fiction
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Good job.
The War Room was a dynamo movie and so is your entry!
God bless~
Personally, I'm not a huge fan of the "it was all a dream" scenario. It can be a bit of a cliché along with the mysterious stranger who was an angel. Instead, I'd have loved to see you leave it open ended. I could picture her climbing out of the basement, but never figuring out how the Post-its got down there. Perhaps the basement was something like a dead-letter bin in the post office. Unaddressed or forgotten prayers end up in the basement. That would be an out-of-the-box ending (maybe too far out). ;)
I think you had some nice descriptions. I liked words liked jaunt and smeared. They create a vivid picture in my mind. You've got a start on showing not telling, but take it even farther. For example:
Her body slid down a metallic chute. In between the clang, ba-boom, and ping-a-ting, she screamed, "Help!” Falling headfirst, she landed. Plop.. Wrinkling her nose, the sour stench of mildew wafted into her nostrils. "Ewwww, gross."
That's just an example to show you one way to make it pop even more. You definitely have a good grasp on the idea, but you need to embrace it even more, and it'll elevate your story from great to outstanding.
I liked how the whole story was about her resolution to pray more. Even though you didn't mention the word until the end, you were still on topic. Because of that, I don't think you needed that last line. It felt a wee bit forced to me.
You did do a great job though. I think it was well-written. You developed your character nicely. I had a genuine sense about her good intentions. I enjoyed the bits of dialog to help break up the story. Your transitions felt smooth and natural to me too. I can definitely feel your passion in your words. Keep up the good work. I've no doubt God will use your words to touch people in ways you might never expect.